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NEWS: A popular South African pastor told his followers that the Rapture is coming and the world is going to end today. The Top 10 Reasons You Won't Be Raptured Today | You're wearing your anti-rapture underwear. The only commandment you can remember has something to do with guns. Purposely blaspheming all week so you can stick around for the next season of "Love Is Blind." This rapture is fine, but my rapture is going to be the biggest rapture. The hugest, best, most... it's going to be an awesome rapture. The best rapture you've ever seen. Trust me, and I've seen some raptures. Terrible raptures. This rapture will be one of the worst, let me tell you. Your last name is Cohen. You clicked "Remind me tomorrow" on your salvation update. Your bible is currently lying underneath the leg of an uneven dining room table. God damn you, crippling fear of flying! Those prude angels refuse to pick up anyone mid-orgy. You thought it was funny to pull tags off mattresses. Who's laughing now, sinner?

The Top 10 Reasons You Won't Be Raptured Today | Selected from 82 submissions sent in by 28 contributors. Writer credits: You're wearing your anti-rapture underwear. (Chuck Salerno, Merrimack, NH) The only commandment you can remember has something to do with guns. (Reid Kerr, Sugartit, KY) Purposely blaspheming all week so you can stick around for the next season of "Love Is Blind." (Chris White, Olympia, WA) This rapture is fine, but my rapture is going to be the biggest rapture. The hugest, best, most... it's going to be an awesome rapture. The best rapture you've ever seen. Trust me, and I've seen some raptures. Terrible raptures. This rapture will be one of the worst, let me tell you. (Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA) Your last name is Cohen. (Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH | Mark Weiss, Austin, TX) You clicked "Remind me tomorrow" on your salvation update. (LeMel Williams, Oakland, CA) Your bible is currently lying underneath the leg of an uneven dining room table. (Kevin Freels, Sparks, NV) God damn you, crippling fear of flying! (Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA) Those prude angels refuse to pick up anyone mid-orgy. (Brandon Eldridge, Marine, IL) You thought it was funny to pull tags off mattresses. Who's laughing now, sinner? (Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL)

Top5 for 9/23/25

Chris White

Sep 23, 2025

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