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The Top 10 Ways We're Going to Spend Our $5000 Check From President Trump | Hiring a lawyer to make them give me my DOGE benefit and tariff rebate Demolishing the East Wing of my rental condo to start construction on a golden ball pit Framing it and hanging it next to Mexico's receipt for building the wall Two days parking at Disneyland Buying a pony, a unicorn, a rainbow, and a pony riding a unicorn that poops rainbows Making a down payment on a Presidential pardon Bringing the Hummer's gas tank from "Empty" up to "Damn Near Empty" Converting it to Costco hotdogs, the last remaining stable currency Buying $5000 worth of ranch dressing and waiting for those soccer fans to return Upon actually receiving a check, hiring an animal handler to help me corral all the monkeys flying out of my ass

The Top 10 Ways We're Going to Spend Our $5000 Check From President Trump | Selected from 67 submissions sent in by 24 contributors. Writer credits: Hiring a lawyer to make them give me my DOGE benefit and tariff rebate (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL) Demolishing the East Wing of my rental condo to start construction on a golden ball pit (Larry Baum, Ap Lei Chau, Hong Kong) Framing it and hanging it next to Mexico's receipt for building the wall (Brandon Eldridge, Marine, IL) Two days parking at Disneyland (Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia) Buying a pony, a unicorn, a rainbow, and a pony riding a unicorn that poops rainbows (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL | Doug Finney, Houston, TX) Making a down payment on a Presidential pardon (Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC) Bringing the Hummer's gas tank from "Empty" up to "Damn Near Empty" (Kevin Freels, Sparks, NV) Converting it to Costco hotdogs, the last remaining stable currency (LeMel Williams, Oakland, CA) Buying $5000 worth of ranch dressing and waiting for those soccer fans to return (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA) Upon actually receiving a check, hiring an animal handler to help me corral all the monkeys flying out of my ass (Jeremy Shelley, Possum Trot, KY)

Top5 for 9/16/26

Ways We're Going to Spend Our $5000 Check From President Trump

Chris White

Sep 16, 2026

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