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The Top 15 Disclaimers We Want on Fireworks | Not suitable for catching road runners. Harmful if swallowed, dumbass. To be used only near fully insured homes and people. Not intended for use on or by actual weasels. Any similarity to a sexual climax is entirely coincidental. The Surgeon General has determined that you can get along fine with only seven fingers. Pairs well with Fireball, Natty Light, and moonshine Lighting a Roman candle in a Roman Catholic Church is not "doing as the Romans do," but go for it. This oughta be fun. This Roman candle was not intended to be anchored in your butt, Cletus. Correlation between the size of this rocket and your genitalia: 0. Capital "Z," capital "E-R-O." Get over yourself already, Hoss. Replacement fingers sold separately Encasing in moist animal feces may muffle sound quality. We guarantee these to be the highest-quality explosives available, despite you having you bought them from a toothless meth-head in a booth at the edge of the county line. Made in China with 100% recycled US Treasury Bills. If feelings of liberty and freedom last more than 4 hours, consult a constitutional scholar.

The Top 15 Disclaimers We Want on Fireworks | Selected from 58 submissions sent in by 23 contributors. Not suitable for catching road runners. (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, PA) Harmful if swallowed, dumbass. (Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA | Tim H. Richweis, New Haven, CT) To be used only near fully insured homes and people. (Jody Burchstead LaFerriere, Leominster, MA) Not intended for use on or by actual weasels. (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX) Any similarity to a sexual climax is entirely coincidental. (David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA) The Surgeon General has determined that you can get along fine with only seven fingers. (Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ) Pairs well with Fireball, Natty Light, and moonshine (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA) Lighting a Roman candle in a Roman Catholic Church is not "doing as the Romans do," but go for it. This oughta be fun. (Rex Meredith, Missouri City, TX) This Roman candle was not intended to be anchored in your butt, Cletus. (Chris White, Olympia, WA) Correlation between the size of this rocket and your genitalia: 0. Capital "Z," capital "E-R-O." Get over yourself already, Hoss. (Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA) Replacement fingers sold separately (Kim Moser, New York, NY) Encasing in moist animal feces may muffle sound quality. (Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia) We guarantee these to be the highest-quality explosives available, despite you having you bought them from a toothless meth-head in a booth at the edge of the county line. (Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL) Made in China with 100% recycled US Treasury Bills. (Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA) If feelings of liberty and freedom last more than 4 hours, consult a constitutional scholar. (LeMel Williams, Oakland, CA)

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Chris White

Jul 3, 2025

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