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NEWS: The White House recently posted an AI-generated pic of the Prez as Pope. The Top 12 Things Pope Donald Would Do on Day One | Rename the Swiss Guard to the Guard of America Overule God and nix that silly celibacy thing Replace Sistine Chapel ceiling with tasteful self portrait. In gold. Green light "The Apprentice: Vatican City" where cardinals compete for his favor by converting heathens and designing new merch Appoint Cardinal Elon to reduce the sacraments and Stations of the Cross Add special sauce to the official Eucharist recipe "Please welcome Stephen Miller as Grand Inquisitor, the best inquisitor, believe me, so much beheading." Make speeches in English, then repeat them in Pig Latin Replace communion wafers with onion rings Pardon Judas The Parable of the Loaves and Fishes is now sponsored by McDonald's: Home of the Miraculous Filet-O-Fish! First official act: Adopt the name Pope Grabbus Vaginus

The Top 12 Things Pope Donald Would Do on Day One | Selected from 71 submissions from 26 contributors. Writer credits: Rename the Swiss Guard to the Guard of America (Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA) Overule God and nix that silly celibacy thing (Brandon Eldridge, Marine, IL | Tim H. Richweis, New Haven, CT) Replace Sistine Chapel ceiling with tasteful self portrait. In gold. (Peter Bauer, Delft, The Netherlands) Green light "The Apprentice: Vatican City" where cardinals compete for his favor by converting heathens and designing new merch (Brandon Eldridge, Marine, IL) Appoint Cardinal Elon to reduce the sacraments and Stations of the Cross (David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO | Tim H. Richweis, New Haven, CT) Add special sauce to the official Eucharist recipe (Jeffrey Anbinder, Brooklyn, NY) "Please welcome Stephen Miller as Grand Inquisitor, the best inquisitor, believe me, so much beheading." (Kim Moser, New York, NY) Make speeches in English, then repeat them in Pig Latin (Mike Whitmire, Houston, TX) Replace communion wafers with onion rings (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL | Mike Ranston, Scottsdale, AZ) Pardon Judas (Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH) The Parable of the Loaves and Fishes is now sponsored by McDonald's: Home of the Miraculous Filet-O-Fish! (Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL) First official act: Adopt the name Pope Grabbus Vaginus (Carl Knorr, Schaumburg, IL)

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Chris White

May 8, 2025

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