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Lines We'd Like to Hear in Commencement Speeches | "Sometimes, a little voice will tell you you're a failure and your life has meant nothing. Listen carefully to that voice." "A glorious future and career await you! And if you have any good leads on possible jobs, email me at vanbytheriver@aol.com." "And in conclusion, I would say, 'Wear sunscreen,' but since you little dweebs never go outside, what's the point?" "As you enter the business world, your first goal should be to obtain a passport from a country that does not extradite to the United States." "YOU get crippling debt! YOU get crippling debt! YOU get crippling debt! EVERYBODY GETS CRIPPLING DEBT!" "Be ambitious! Strive for excellence! Even you kitchen-bound dads-to-be can learn to be great cooks." "As I wrote in MY senior thesis, to live long and prosper is a great power that comes with great responsibility, not only here, but from here to eternity." "In times of dire need, don't forget: Uptown funk gon' give it to you. Don't believe me, just watch." "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK LOUDLY SO YOU CAN HEAR ME OVER THE MATING CICADAS." "I'd like to start my remarks today by saying that Drake and Kendrick are both punk-ass bitches."

Lines We'd Like to Hear in Commencement Speeches | Selected from 87 submissions sent in by 32 contributors. "Sometimes, a little voice will tell you you're a failure and your life has meant nothing. Listen carefully to that voice." (Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL) "A glorious future and career await you! And if you have any good leads on possible jobs, email me at vanbytheriver@aol.com." (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA) "And in conclusion, I would say, 'Wear sunscreen,' but since you little dweebs never go outside, what's the point?" (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL) "As you enter the business world, your first goal should be to obtain a passport from a country that does not extradite to the United States." (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX) "YOU get crippling debt! YOU get crippling debt! YOU get crippling debt! EVERYBODY GETS CRIPPLING DEBT!" (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, PA) "Be ambitious! Strive for excellence! Even you kitchen-bound dads-to-be can learn to be great cooks." (Chris White, Olympia, WA) "As I wrote in MY senior thesis, to live long and prosper is a great power that comes with great responsibility, not only here, but from here to eternity." (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA) "In times of dire need, don't forget: Uptown funk gon' give it to you. Don't believe me, just watch." (David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO) "I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SPEAK LOUDLY SO YOU CAN HEAR ME OVER THE MATING CICADAS." (Brandon Eldridge, Marine, IL) "I'd like to start my remarks today by saying that Drake and Kendrick are both punk-ass bitches." (John C. Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI)

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Chris White

May 22, 2024

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