NOTE FROM CHRIS:

I wanted to take a few seconds to thank all of you who donated to my friend Elma's GoFundMe last week. It warms my heart to know that so many Top5 followers were willing to pitch in and help another Top5er in need.

(The page is still active for anyone else who might be interested. Just click on the above link).

Thanks again. You folks are amazing. -Cdub

Surprises in the Trump Bible | Five of the ten commandments now include a parenthetical note saying, "Except as permitted by Presidential immunity." Christ now heals lepers by grabbing their genitals. Moses, returning from Mount Sinai, proclaims, "You can't see the Ten Commandments because they're under audit." John 2:11: "Jesus turned the water into wine. Scan QR code below to purchase a case of authentic Trump Holy Water now!" Most of the "nots" have been removed from the newly renamed "Ten Suggestions." Jesus's attorney paid the prostitute Mary Magdalene 130,000 shekels to keep her mouth shut. "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, except taxes. Screw that nonsense." Jesus promises to build a wall around Sodom and Gomorrah and have the Galatians pay for it. God asks Donald to sacrifice his sons, and both Eric and Don Jr. are already bleeding out on the altar long before God gets to the "Haha, just checking!" part. Exodus 14:21: "So, I'm standing there, and Moses—great guy by the way—comes up to me and says, 'Donald, we've got a problem.' The Red Sea, big problem, you know. I said, 'Don't worry, Moses, I've got this.' And I parted the sea, just like that. No one had ever done that before, and I don't get any credit but that's okay."

Surprises in the Trump Bible | Selected from 97 submissions sent in by 36 contributors. Writer credits: Five of the ten commandments now include a parenthetical note saying, "Except as permitted by Presidential immunity." (Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia) (Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA) Christ now heals lepers by grabbing their genitals. (Chris White, Olympia, WA) Moses, returning from Mount Sinai, proclaims, "You can't see the Ten Commandments because they're under audit." (Kevin Freels, Sparks, NV) John 2:11: "Jesus turned the water into wine. Scan QR code below to purchase a case of authentic Trump Holy Water now!" (Kim Moser, New York, NY) Most of the "nots" have been removed from the newly renamed "Ten Suggestions." (John C. Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI) (Dawson E. Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA) (Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH) Jesus's attorney paid the prostitute Mary Magdalene 130,000 shekels to keep her mouth shut. (Kim Moser, New York, NY) "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's, except taxes. Screw that nonsense." (Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL) Jesus promises to build a wall around Sodom and Gomorrah and have the Galatians pay for it. (Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH) (Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA) God asks Donald to sacrifice his sons, and both Eric and Don Jr. are already bleeding out on the altar long before God gets to the "Haha, just checking!" part. (John C. Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI) Exodus 14:21: "So, I'm standing there, and Moses—great guy by the way—comes up to me and says, 'Donald, we've got a problem.' The Red Sea, big problem, you know. I said, 'Don't worry, Moses, I've got this.' And I parted the sea, just like that. No one had ever done that before, and I don't get any credit but that's okay." (Matt Kall, Solon, OH)