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The Top 10 Reasons Your Spring Break Sucked | Your constituents kept hounding you to go back to Washington and figure out how to fund the government. You requested an Apache helicopter flyby, got a State Trooper cavity search instead. "Strait of Hormuz Booze Cruise" not as fun as it sounded in the brochure. "Strait of Hormuz Booze Cruise" not as fun as it sounded in brochure. Thanks to TSA, you spent the entire week in Terminal B. Bad: The weather wasn't as warm as you'd expected. Good: You won the Wet Parka Contest! In a pinch you used all the suntan lotion as a sexual lubricant, and now your shoulders AND hoohah are burning. You didn't notice the "S" had fallen off my Speedos until after you were beaten senseless. None of the hot chicks seemed impressed by your capacity for alcohol OR your position as Secretary of War. The only boobs you saw all week belonged to Bryon Noem.

The Top 10 Reasons Your Spring Break Sucked | Selected from 70 submissions sent in by 25 contributors. Writer credits: Your constituents kept hounding you to go back to Washington and figure out how to fund the government. (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL) You requested an Apache helicopter flyby, got a State Trooper cavity search instead. (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA) The only bodily contact you got was a paid massage from an octogenarian named Millicent. (Jeremy Shelley, Possum Trot, KY) "Strait of Hormuz Booze Cruise" not as fun as it sounded in the brochure. (David Kass, Brooklyn, NY | Vic Vitek, Tamworth, NH | Bill Muse, Seattle, WA | Kim Moser, New York, NY) Thanks to TSA, you spent the entire week in Terminal B. (Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA | Mike Ranston, Scottsdale, AZ) Bad: The weather wasn't as warm as you'd expected. Good: You won the Wet Parka Contest! (Kevin Paul Wickart, Normal, IL) In a pinch you used all the suntan lotion as a sexual lubricant, and now your shoulders AND hoohah are burning. (Rex Meredith, Missouri City, TX) You didn't notice the "S" had fallen off my Speedos until after you were beaten senseless. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA | Tim H. Richweis, New Haven, CT) None of the hot chicks seemed impressed by your capacity for alcohol OR your position as Secretary of War. (Kevin Paul Wickart, Normal, IL) The only boobs you saw all week belonged to Bryon Noem. (Carl Knorr, Schaumburg, IL | Mike Whitmire, Houston, TX)

Top5 for 4/1/26

Reasons Your Spring Break Sucked

Chris White

Apr 1, 2026

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