IMPORTANT NOTE FROM CHRIS:

I'm about to do something I rarely have done in the 30+ years I've been moderating Top5. My dear friend Elma, who's been a Top5 subscriber since the '90s, needs some help.

Elma's husband was involved in a road rage incident in 2018 and was left with severe brain damage. In the last five years, she's found herself in the unenviable position of having to be both breadwinner and caretaker, while also battling constantly with insurance companies to arrange for proper care. At this point, their retirement savings are gone and Elma is out of places to turn for help.

Her friends set up a GoFundMe page for her, and my wife and I have already pitched in. What I'm asking is simple: If you're in a good place in life and have an extra few bucks to pitch in, please consider doing so. Even $5 would help. It would mean the world to her (and to me).

Thanks so much!

Now how about some humor? The contributors and I decided to get a bit silly today...

Perks of Acquiring an Enchanted Meatball | Suddenly you're a sex symbol, just like Steve Buscemi. It attracts some of the strangest princes, but hey, a prince is a prince. Increased odds of becoming Pope of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Pisses off the "Flat Meatball Society" members. "One ball to rule them all, and in the meat sauce bind them." You will rule ALL the pastas! It comes with an Allen wrench! Restores symmetry with your enchanted prosthetic testicle. Help it start its own TikTok, then sit back and reel in the big bucks. It brings all the ladies to the yard. "By Divine Right, I am now the Governor of Florida!"

Perks of Acquiring an Enchanted Meatball | Selected from 74 submissions sent in by 32 contributors. Writer credits: Suddenly you're a sex symbol, just like Steve Buscemi. (Mike Vance, Fayetteville, TX) It attracts some of the strangest princes, but hey, a prince is a prince. (LD Petterson, College Park, MD) Increased odds of becoming Pope of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA) (Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY) (Vic Vitek, Tamworth, NH) (Jim Woodruff, Fresno, CA) (Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH) Pisses off the "Flat Meatball Society" members. (Rex Meredith, Chico, CA) "One ball to rule them all, and in the meat sauce bind them." You will rule ALL the pastas! (Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA) It comes with an Allen wrench! (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL) Restores symmetry with your enchanted prosthetic testicle. (Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA) Help it start its own TikTok, then sit back and reel in the big bucks. (Kim Moser, New York, NY) (Tim H. Richweis, New Haven, CT) It brings all the ladies to the yard. (Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA) "By Divine Right, I am now the Governor of Florida!" (Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT)