Sign in Subscribe

NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Hey, fellow comedy mavens! Do yourselves a big favor and check out Danny Gallagher's latest article from his new gig. Some of these are priceless!

And now, our brand new shiny list for this week...

Signs You're on a Bad River Cruise | Turns out your Mexican cruise is on the Rio Grande, and the ranchers on the Texas side are using live ammo. That Mississippi Mud dessert tastes way too authentic. Your "cruise director" just told you to hop off the boat halfway through the "It's a Small World" ride. The only options in the fitness center are "Rowing/Port" and "Rowing/Starboard." Your only ports of call are Omaha, Amarillo, and Las Vegas. Their "Enchanted Doorway to Mystery River" looks like a manhole cover. Instead of spa mud baths, two people just hold your ankles and dip your head in the murky water. Every 20 minutes you pass the same lifeguard. No passports returned till you catch your weight in shrimp. Somali pirates shoot you in the face.

Signs You're on a Bad River Cruise | Selected from 81 submissions sent in by 34 contributors. Writer credits: Turns out your Mexican cruise is on the Rio Grande, and the ranchers on the Texas side are using live ammo. (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX) That Mississippi Mud dessert tastes way too authentic. (Chris White, Olympia, WA) Your "cruise director" just told you to hop off the boat halfway through the "It's a Small World" ride. (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY) The only options in the fitness center are "Rowing/Port" and "Rowing/Starboard." (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL) Your only ports of call are Omaha, Amarillo, and Las Vegas. (Tim H. Richweis, New Haven, CT) Their "Enchanted Doorway to Mystery River" looks like a manhole cover. (Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA) Instead of spa mud baths, two people just hold your ankles and dip your head in the murky water. (Matt Kall, Solon, OH) Every 20 minutes you pass the same lifeguard. (Vic Vitek, Tamworth, NH) No passports returned till you catch your weight in shrimp. (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA) Somali pirates shoot you in the face. (Slick Sharkey, Clayton, GA)

Top5 for 3/20/24