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The Top 10 Signs Your Date Is an ICE Agent | Tasers the patron at the next table when he hears, "Water, please. No ice." His physical fitness regimen? Kicking down doors. Tells you he's taking you to his secluded hideaway, then detains you there for a month. Asks you to pay for dinner, promising to pay you back when his signing bonus comes through in five years. Freaks out when you roll the “r” in “magarita.” Refuses to identify himself to the hostess when she asks what name the reservation is in. Thinks French kissing is un-American. She seems way too excited when you mention handcuffs on the first date. When you ask why she's late, she says, "That timeline is disputed." The restaurant and movie were weird enough, but he wouldn't even remove his mask during sex.

The Top 10 Signs Your Date Is an ICE Agent | Selected from 51 submissions sent in by 20 contributors. Writer credits: Tasers the patron at the next table when he hears, "Water, please. No ice." (Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA | Vic Vitek, Tamworth, NH | Donald Johnson, Cincinnati, OH) His physical fitness regimen? Kicking down doors. (David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA) Tells you he's taking you to his secluded hideaway, then detains you there for a month. (Kevin Freels, Sparks, NV | Kevin Paul Wickart, Normal, IL) Asks you to pay for dinner, promising to pay you back when his signing bonus comes through in five years. (Peg Warner, Gonic, NH | Mark Weiss, Austin, TX) Freaks out when you roll the “r” in “magarita.” (Chris White, Olympia, WA) Refuses to identify himself to the hostess when she asks what name the reservation is in. (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX) Thinks French kissing is un-American. (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL) She seems way too excited when you mention handcuffs on the first date. (David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA) When you ask why she's late, she says, "That timeline is disputed." (LeMel Williams, Oakland, CA) The restaurant and movie were weird enough, but he wouldn't even remove his mask during sex. (Meg Silvern, Tucson, AZ | Kevin Paul Wickart, Normal, IL)

Top5 for 2/4/26

Chris White

Feb 4, 2026

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