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NOTE FROM CHRIS:

Unfortunately, the topic I sent to Top5's contributors for today was... um... well, let's just say nobody seemed to think it was funny. Hey, it's rare but it happens. My bad.

Instead, we're going to regale you with a Top5 classic from December 11, 2002.

The Top 10 Elf Pet Peeves | (A version of this list was first published on December 11, 2002.) | Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality elf porn. Toil for 365 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rat's ass. Meanwhile, frolic around in some stupid ring-crazy "fellowship" with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal. Let's put it this way: If Cardinal Law were Santa's boss, he'd look the other way. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards. Casual Fridays. Nobody, and I mean *nobody* should have to look at the big guy in a thong. Serving as Santa's fluffer while he visits the Naughty list. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse. Hard to satisfy the ladies when the North Pole cold shrinks your organ to the size of a Chapstick. That bastard Randy Newman hasn't died yet.

The Top 10 Elf Pet Peeves | Writer credits: Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality elf porn. (John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA) Toil for 365 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rat's ass. Meanwhile, frolic around in some stupid ring-crazy "fellowship" with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero. (Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV) Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal. (Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA) Let's put it this way: If Cardinal Law were Santa's boss, he'd look the other way. (Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV) The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards. (David Kass, Brooklyn, NY) Casual Fridays. Nobody, and I mean *nobody* should have to look at the big guy in a thong. (Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI) Serving as Santa's fluffer while he visits the Naughty list. (Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA) Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse. (Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY) Hard to satisfy the ladies when the North Pole cold shrinks your organ to the size of a Chapstick. (Dave Henry, Slidell, LA | Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA) That bastard Randy Newman hasn't died yet. (Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Top5 for 12/20