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The Top 10 Signs Your College's Athletic Program Is in Trouble | The new head coach's contract includes a clause allowing him to deny ever having worked there. The football team's plays are being called by ChatGPT. The concession stand attracts students to the stadium by offering hotdogs, hamburgers, Vicodin, and Adderall. Track team's relay baton is a rolled-up subpoena. New mascot's name is Chuck E. and he smells like stale pizza and pee. Your conference just signed a new media deal to broadcast all your games on MySpace. The construction site of the unfinished Organic Chemistry building holds only a plaque reading, "Work suspended because we had to pay a football coach to leave." "Car wash & bake sale" fundraiser consists of a single student with a water hose and a package of Oreos. Just before halftime, Max from the pawn shop shows up to confiscate the marching band instruments. Half the track team is gone because they couldn't even outrun ICE agents.

The Top 10 Signs Your College's Athletic Program Is in Trouble | Selected from 51 submissions sent in by 18 contributors. Writer credits: The new head coach's contract includes a clause allowing him to deny ever having worked there. (LeMel Williams, Oakland, CA) The football team's plays are being called by ChatGPT. (Kevin Paul Wickart, Normal, IL) The concession stand attracts students to the stadium by offering hotdogs, hamburgers, Vicodin, and Adderall. (LD Petterson, College Park, MD) Track team's relay baton is a rolled-up subpoena. (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA) New mascot's name is Chuck E. and he smells like stale pizza and pee. (Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA) Your conference just signed a new media deal to broadcast all your games on MySpace. (Reid Kerr, Sugartit, KY) The construction site of the unfinished Organic Chemistry building holds only a plaque reading, "Work suspended because we had to pay a football coach to leave." (Carl Knorr, Schaumburg, IL) "Car wash & bake sale" fundraiser consists of a single student with a water hose and a package of Oreos. (Mike Whitmire, Houston, TX) Just before halftime, Max from the pawn shop shows up to confiscate the marching band instruments. (LeMel Williams, Oakland, CA) Half the track team is gone because they couldn't even outrun ICE agents. (Kim Moser, New York, NY)

Top5 for 10/15/25

Chris White

Oct 15, 2025

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