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Certified 97% Anthrax free
October 19, 2001

The Top 16 Ways Average Americans
are Helping the War Effort

    1. NRA members search their couches and end up donating 70 million rounds of ammunition and 27 stinger missiles to the cause.

    2. Planting Victory Gardens. We're going to need plenty of good bud before this is over.

    3. Booing Afghans at dog shows. Frou-frou terrrorist sons of bitches!

    4. School bullies donating 10% of extorted lunch money to NYC relief.

    5. "Take a Penny, Leave a Bullet" trays at every 7-11.

    6. As a precautionary measure, keeping Lee Greenwood in an undisclosed location.

    7. Maintaining our sense of normalcy by dumping our kids at the mall.

    8. Shaving our balls. Not sure how that helps, but it's the thought that counts.

    9. Well, we've managed to postpone Ellen hosting the Emmys TWICE, haven't we?

    10. Stockpiling sperm in case re-population becomes necessary. (David Crosby only)

    11. Bolstering American economy by purchasing millions of American flags made in Chinese sweatshops.

    12. During sex: "Who's your sergeant? Who's your sergeant?!?"

    13. ~DiVeRT tALiB@N WiRe TRaNsFeRz tO pAyP@L @CcOunT, BuY EiGhT ZiLLiOn cOpiE$ of P@mEL@ & ToMmY LeE ViDeO oN eB@Y~ ------ ~CuZ H@CKeRz RuLe!!!!!~

    14. Frat boys building huge decoy skyscrapers out of empty beer cans.

    15. To make up for women oppressed by the Taliban, teenaged American girls are focusing on being extra slutty.

      and the Number 1 Way Average Americans are Helping the War Effort...

    16. Hooters waitresses donating a dollar for every time they dislodge a wedgie.

Join ClubTop5 to check out the
runner up submissions for this list.

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Selected from 114 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 1 (11th #1) Email
  • Bob Van Voris, New York, NY -- 2
  • Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN -- 3, 5 Email / Website
  • Ashley Deckard, Houston, TX -- 4
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 6 Hall of Famer
  • Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 6 Website
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 7 Email / Website
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 8
  • Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 9 Email
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 10
  • Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 11
  • Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 12, 16
  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 13 Website
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 14, Honorable Mention lis Email
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 14
  • Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 15 Email / Website
  • Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ -- 15
  • Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 15 Email
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Topic Email
  • Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX -- Banner Tag
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- RU list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Edwin Starr, Nashville, TN -- Ambience   (explanation)

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