October 19, 2001
The Top 16 Ways Average Americans
are Helping the War Effort
- NRA members search their couches and end up donating 70 million rounds of ammunition and 27 stinger missiles to the cause.
- Planting Victory Gardens. We're going to need plenty of good bud before this is over.
- Booing Afghans at dog shows. Frou-frou terrrorist sons of bitches!
- School bullies donating 10% of extorted lunch money to NYC relief.
- "Take a Penny, Leave a Bullet" trays at every 7-11.
- As a precautionary measure, keeping Lee Greenwood in an undisclosed location.
- Maintaining our sense of normalcy by dumping our kids at the mall.
- Shaving our balls. Not sure how that helps, but it's the thought that counts.
- Well, we've managed to postpone Ellen hosting the Emmys TWICE, haven't we?
- Stockpiling sperm in case re-population becomes necessary. (David Crosby only)
- Bolstering American economy by purchasing millions of American flags made in Chinese sweatshops.
- During sex: "Who's your sergeant? Who's your sergeant?!?"
- ~DiVeRT tALiB@N WiRe TRaNsFeRz tO pAyP@L @CcOunT, BuY EiGhT ZiLLiOn cOpiE$ of P@mEL@ & ToMmY LeE ViDeO oN eB@Y~ ------ ~CuZ H@CKeRz RuLe!!!!!~
- Frat boys building huge decoy skyscrapers out of empty beer cans.
- To make up for women oppressed by the Taliban, teenaged American girls are focusing on being extra slutty.
and the Number 1 Way Average Americans are Helping the War Effort...
- Hooters waitresses donating a dollar for every time they dislodge a wedgie.
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runner up submissions for this list.
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Selected from 114 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 1 (11th #1) Email
- Bob Van Voris, New York, NY -- 2
- Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN -- 3, 5 Email / Website
- Ashley Deckard, Houston, TX -- 4
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 6 Hall of Famer
- Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 6 Website
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 7 Email / Website
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 8
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 9 Email
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 10
- Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 11
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 12, 16
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 13 Website
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 14, Honorable Mention lis Email
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 14
- Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 15 Email / Website
- Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ -- 15
- Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 15 Email
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Topic Email
- Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX -- Banner Tag
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- RU list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Edwin Starr, Nashville, TN -- Ambience (explanation)