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For those about to laugh, we salute you!
October 18, 2001


The Top 13 Helpful Hints Given
to the Pentagon by Hollywood
(Part II)


    1. Award bin Laden an honorary Emmy for his videotapes, then nab him when he accepts it.

    2. Afghanistan isn't the best location. Consider building a soundstage in Toronto.

    3. Recruit only busty babes, because the flat-chested mousy woman is *always* the traitor.

    4. Guns and bombs are OK, but don't forget product placement -- get Coke or Pepsi in on this thing.

    5. Have our soldiers wear their hair in a mullet; it makes them look dangerously psychotic.

    6. "...and here's the best part: a sophisticated sex robot sent back in time to change the destiny of one lucky mother of a terrorist!"

    7. Fired from a weapon, three-day-old Jujubees are deadly.

    8. Watch Alan Rickman. Like a hawk.

    9. The most important weapon in your arsenal? A properly-sharpened pithy quote.

    10. Let President Bush get hit by lightning. He'll either gain superpowers or the ability to hear what women are thinking. Certainly one of those things should help.

    11. As soon as Mel Gibson can grow his hair out, Osama's ass is grass.

    12. Whatever you do, don't recruit any Saturday Night Live cast members!

      and the Number 1 Helpful Hint Given to the Pentagon by Hollywood...

    13. If our ground forces locate bin Laden, make sure the soldiers know to say "Osama yo' mama, Baby!" before pulling the trigger.

Join ClubTop5 to check out the
runner up submissions for this list.



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Selected from 107 submissions from 42 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI -- 1 (5th #1)
  • Robin Andrews, Greenville, SC -- 2
  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 3 Website
  • Eric Lipton, Washington, DC -- 4
  • Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 5
  • Peter Rogers, Austin, TX -- 6
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 7
  • Don Swain, Rochester Hills, MI -- 8 Email / Website
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 9
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 10 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA -- 11 Email
  • Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA -- 12 Website
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Dave Lim, Chicago, IL -- Topic
  • Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX -- Banner Tag
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- Runner Up list name Email
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- Honorable Mention list name Email / Website
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Simple Minds, Glasgow, Scotland -- Ambience   (explanation)

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