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Serving size: 1 list item; servings per container: 12-20
October 5, 2001

The Top 15 Tactics Used by Really Dumb Terrorists

    1. In the ransom note, creatively substitute "sponge bath" for "slow, painful death."

    2. "...and if our demands are not met, David Arquette, Joan Rivers and Don King will ALL meet gruesome ends!"

    3. "If you don't immediately cease all meddling in the business of other countries, I'll turn this car around!"

    4. Insist on dress rehearsals for every suicide mission.

    5. "You are a winner, George W. Bush!! You have won a fantastic all-expense-paid trip for you and your family to the vacation paradise Afghanistan."

    6. Buy enough tickets to keep "Glitter" in theaters another week.

    7. "Brothers and sisters, our years of meticulous planning and training will pay off when we strike our glorious blow against the Great Satan in front of a world television audience, 5 minutes into the 2nd quarter of the 2002 XFL championship game!"

    8. In order to undermine democracy and make American leaders appear weak, spread rumors that a national US political figure has had extramarital sex.

    9. "Drive this bus to Cuba! NOW!!"

    10. Steal infidel, imperialist humor list; read it on infidel, imperialist morning zoo radio funhouse -- without giving credit.

    11. Add LSD to San Francisco's water supply.

    12. Having exhausted all their resources, all future attacks will consist of one terrorist crouching behind you while another pushes you backwards.

    13. Threaten to detonate a doomsday weapon that will turn North Dakota into a frozen, uninhabitable wasteland.

    14. "...and we'll use a can of that Silly String to tie up the hostages."

      and the Number 1 Tactic Used by Really Dumb Terrorists...

    15. "We are prepared to visit great harm upon your country's most beloved military leader, Colonel Sanders."

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runner up submissions for this list.

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Selected from 122 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 1 (4th #1)
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 2 Email
  • Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA -- 3, 9
  • Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 4, 14 Website
  • Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 5
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 5, Banner Tag Email
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 6 Email
  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 7 Website
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 8 Hall of Famer
  • Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA -- 8
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 10 Hall of Famer
  • Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 11
  • Peter Rogers, Austin, TX -- 12
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 13 Email
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 14, 15 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 14, Topic
  • Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 14
  • Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 14 Email
  • Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 14
  • Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- Topic Hall of Famer
  • Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- Runner Up list name Email
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- Honorable Mention list name Email / Website
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • R.E.M., Athens, GA -- Ambience   (explanation)

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