October 2, 2001
The Top 17 Suggestions from Different Groups
on How to Deal with Terrorists
- The Firestone Company: Free tires for the terrorists and their families!
- American Proctologist's Association: Time for another enema, Osama.
- Kathie Lee Gifford: Can they work a sewing machine?
- The British: Their usual one-two punch of bad food and withering sarcasm. Then maybe a right good rap on the bottom!
- Girl Scouts: Send in the 322nd Tactical Assault and Cookie Sales Team.
- The NRA: Duh.
- The Taliban: Make them eat ice cream so fast they get one of those cold headaches.
- Wal-Mart: "Now remember, Osama, each time you fail to greet a shopper with a hearty and warm "Hello," you'll be subjected to a 20,000 volt shock through those electrodes attached to your testicles."
- Professional Golfers Association: Make a hole in one. Aw hell, make holes in all of 'em.
- France: Surrender to Bolivia.
- PETA: No animals were harmed in the testing of these cruise missiles.
- Fraternity Brothers: Deny them release from the car trunk until they finish that Seagram's.
- Barbra Streisand: Get me a cup of tea. No, that wasn't the kind I was thinking of -- the other one. No, for Christ's sake, not that one either! Dammit! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!? YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT AND DO IT AND *DO* IT UNTIL *I* SAY YOU'RE DONE!!!
- Lee Greenwood: "Sixty-one million, sixty-two million, sixty-three mil-- I'm sorry, what was the question?"
- The Supreme Court: 5-4 vote declaring that Bush has already won the war against terrorism, and ordering all on-going actions halted.
- Telemarketers: "Hello. Are you the decision-maker in your terrorist cell?"
and the Number 1 Suggestion on How to Deal with Terrorists...
- The Tobacco Industry: What threat from terrorism? There's no threat from terrorism.
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runner up submissions for this list.
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Selected from 123 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 1, 3 (29th #1) Hall of Famer
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 2 Email / Website
- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 4, 7
- Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA -- 5
- Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 6
- Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY -- 8 Email / Website
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 9 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 10
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11 Email / Website
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 12 Email
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 13
- Peter Rogers, Austin, TX -- 14, Banner Tag
- Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI -- 14
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 15, RU/HM names Email / Hall of Famer
- Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 16 Email
- Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 17
- Patrick Major, Dallas, OR -- 17 Email
- Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA -- Topic
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Big Punisher, The Bronx, New York -- Ambience (explanation)