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Now available in Pashto!
October 2, 2001


The Top 17 Suggestions from Different Groups
on How to Deal with Terrorists


    1. The Firestone Company: Free tires for the terrorists and their families!

    2. American Proctologist's Association: Time for another enema, Osama.

    3. Kathie Lee Gifford: Can they work a sewing machine?

    4. The British: Their usual one-two punch of bad food and withering sarcasm. Then maybe a right good rap on the bottom!

    5. Girl Scouts: Send in the 322nd Tactical Assault and Cookie Sales Team.

    6. The NRA: Duh.

    7. The Taliban: Make them eat ice cream so fast they get one of those cold headaches.

    8. Wal-Mart: "Now remember, Osama, each time you fail to greet a shopper with a hearty and warm "Hello," you'll be subjected to a 20,000 volt shock through those electrodes attached to your testicles."

    9. Professional Golfers Association: Make a hole in one. Aw hell, make holes in all of 'em.

    10. France: Surrender to Bolivia.

    11. PETA: No animals were harmed in the testing of these cruise missiles.

    12. Fraternity Brothers: Deny them release from the car trunk until they finish that Seagram's.

    13. Barbra Streisand: Get me a cup of tea. No, that wasn't the kind I was thinking of -- the other one. No, for Christ's sake, not that one either! Dammit! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!? YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT AND DO IT AND *DO* IT UNTIL *I* SAY YOU'RE DONE!!!

    14. Lee Greenwood: "Sixty-one million, sixty-two million, sixty-three mil-- I'm sorry, what was the question?"

    15. The Supreme Court: 5-4 vote declaring that Bush has already won the war against terrorism, and ordering all on-going actions halted.

    16. Telemarketers: "Hello. Are you the decision-maker in your terrorist cell?"

      and the Number 1 Suggestion on How to Deal with Terrorists...

    17. The Tobacco Industry: What threat from terrorism? There's no threat from terrorism.

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runner up submissions for this list.



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Selected from 123 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 1, 3 (29th #1) Hall of Famer
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 2 Email / Website
  • Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 4, 7
  • Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA -- 5
  • Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 6
  • Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY -- 8 Email / Website
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 9 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 10
  • Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11 Email / Website
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 12 Email
  • John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 13
  • Peter Rogers, Austin, TX -- 14, Banner Tag
  • Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI -- 14
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 15, RU/HM names Email / Hall of Famer
  • Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 16 Email
  • Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 17
  • Patrick Major, Dallas, OR -- 17 Email
  • Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA -- Topic
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Big Punisher, The Bronx, New York -- Ambience   (explanation)

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