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You make us a better list.
November 23, 2005


Here at TopFive, we're celebrating Thanksgiving
with that most traditional of American treats --


We've written 30 Thanksgiving haikus,
much like the haikus originally brought
over by the Pilgrims themselves.

The Top 30 Thanksgiving Haikus

    1. "You've never loved me!"
      "Why the hell did I come home?"
      "Please pass the gravy."

    2. See my family:
      They're all such friggin' morons.
      Turkey softens pain.

    3. Christmas music plays,
      Yet I haven't finished my
      Halloween candy.

    4. Of all the things I'm
      thankful for, the least must be
      Turkey leftovers.

    5. A strange hand enters
      My tender lil' turkey ass.
      Cut that out, pervert!

    6. White man invades us,
      Steals our land and livelihood!
      Enjoy pie, asswipes.

    7. The zen of Popeye
      Echoes as I fill my plate:
      I am what I yam.

    8. Cowboys score again!
      I leap for joy, plate o'erthrown.
      Fido feasts again.

    9. Let us give our thanks
      To those who prepared this feast.
      Bless you, KFC.

    10. Mom shopped way too late,
      Shelves were picked clean of turkeys.
      Enjoy your fried Spam.

    11. Stomach exploding,
      I can't eat another bite.
      What? Pie? Bring it on!

    12. This bird has five legs!
      Thanks, genetic engineer.
      Drumsticks all around!

    13. There's a duck inside
      That chicken and that turkey?
      You're such a pig, dude!

    14. Full, succulent breast.
      Thighs so firm I salivate.
      *That's* Cousin Sue? D'OH!

    15. That olive seems strange.
      It looks like... AH! A glass eye!
      Not funny, Grandma!

    16. Turkey! Stuffing! Pie!
      Wolf down, then sprint to the john...
      Feast with Mary-Kate.

    17. Pungent aromas
      Wafting from Grandpa's buttocks.
      May I be excused?

    18. Pie sirens singing,
      Beckoning from the table,
      Taunting me loudly.

    19. So full I could burst.
      Keep that mint away, despite
      Its wafer thinness.

    20. Pumpkin pies untopped,
      Whipped cream dribbles from the can.
      Who took nitrous hits?

    21. Finger lickin' good!
      Junior says the stuffing feels
      Like warm apple pie.

    22. Sometimes we're thankful
      For the things we do *not* have.
      Like, you know, Trump's hair.

    23. The Pilgrims landed
      In Massachusetts. And froze.
      Next time, try Key West.

    24. Carve the turkey... yum!
      White meat, dark meat, red meat-- huh?
      Crap, I've sliced my thumb.

    25. If you're just too full,
      Go ahead, undo your belt --

    26. Most Americans --
      Two thirds -- are obese. Stuffing:
      Side dish *and* hobby.

    27. The carcass lies still,
      Stuffed and silent. It is Dad
      Watching football games.

    28. The diagnosis:
      Tryptophan-induced coma
      Gravy IV, stat!

    29. Forty-four years old,
      Still at the kiddie table.
      Pass the damn peas, punk.

      and the Number 1 Thanksgiving Haiku...

    30. Butterball Hot Line?
      This is an emergency!
      My penis is stuck!

Our ClubTop5 members get to see the entire
30-item list, plus much MUCH more.

Join today!

Selected from 131 submissions from 50 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Guy de Roue, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (5th #1)
  • Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA -- 2 Website
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 3 Website / Hall of Famer
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 4 Hall of Famer
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 5
  • Brad Hamer, Austin, TX -- 6
  • Michael Sheinbaum, Exton, PA -- 7 Website
  • Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 8 Hall of Famer
  • Chuck Brown, St. Stephen, NB, Canada -- 9 (Rookie!)
  • Elizabeth Black, Asotin, WA -- 10 Website
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Hall of Famer
  • Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 12, Banner Tag Website / Hall of Famer
  • Lisa Lavoie, Warwick, RI -- 13
  • Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan -- 14
  • Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 14 Website
  • Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX -- 15
  • Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 16 Website
  • Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 17, Topic Hall of Famer
  • Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 19
  • Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 20
  • Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY -- 20
  • Whit Watson, Winter Park, FL -- 21
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 23 Hall of Famer
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 26
  • Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA -- 27
  • J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA -- 28
  • Gideon Griebenow, Johannesburg, S. Africa -- 29 (Rookie!)
  • Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 30
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
  • Wishbone Ash, Devon, England -- Ambience   (explanation)

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