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May 30, 2008


Pressured by combat demands, the U.S. Military
is recruiting an increasingly large number
of convicted felons. But let's say you're
one of the non-felon breed of soldiers.
How do you know who you can trust?

The Top 17 Signs a Soldier
Has Spent Time in the Joint

  1. "What do you mean there aren't any conjugal visits?"

  2. Can make a shiv out of the spork in his MRE and a fairly drinkable vodka from the latrine water.

  3. Due to his misunderstanding of the word "screw," he spends every day either in the stockade or the hospital.

  4. Keeps asking when his lawyer is going to stop by.

  5. Even after being issued a survival knife, regulation sidearm and fully loaded M-16, he ducks into a bathroom stall and sharpens his toothbrush with a paranoid fervor.

  6. He seems absolutely giddy about owning legal weapons.

  7. Has managed to make it all the way through basic training without bending over.

  8. Digs the latrine right next to his cot.

  9. Breathes an audible sigh of relief when the word "fifty" follows his drill sergeant's command, "Drop and give me...."

  10. He knows you won't ask *or* tell, else you just might wake up with your tongue missing.

  11. Keeps asking you to guess how many times he was on "COPS."

  12. He's the #1 sniper in the company with over 100 Taliban kills. And he's gotten them all while they were in the shower.

  13. Seems oddly relieved that the drill sergeant only wants to *kick* his ass.

  14. Sucks at marching because he can't remember how to walk without leg irons.

  15. He's got so many teardrop tattoos, he looks like Ellen DeGeneres after losing a pound puppy.

  16. "That's CAPTAIN Screw to you, private!!"

    and the Number 1 Sign a Soldier Has Spent Time in the Joint...

  17. You accidentally bump him from behind with the nose of your rifle, and now he thinks you're married.

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Selected from 76 submissions from 31 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 1, 8 (57th #1) Website / Hall of Famer
  • Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI -- 2, 7
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 2, 17 Hall of Famer
  • Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 2
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3, 10 Hall of Famer
  • Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA -- 4
  • Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 5
  • Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 6, Topic
  • Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 9, 13 Website / Hall of Famer
  • Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA -- 10, 13
  • Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 11 Hall of Famer
  • Cristina Vida, Baltimore, MD -- 12 (Rookie!)
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 14 Hall of Famer
  • Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 15
  • Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY -- 16
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
  • Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
  • Calexico, Tucson, AZ -- Ambience   (explanation)

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