Bottled at the Source
December 30, 1999
The Top 16 Least-Noticed Important
Events of the Last 1000 Years
- 1621: "Ouch! This porcupine is a bitch to carve. What say we roast that large bird over there instead?"
- 1879: Thomas Edison gets an idea, and his brother Timmy says, "Hey, what's that thing over your head?"
- 1937: On May 6, Christ returns, only this time he's flying in style -- on the Hindenburg!
- 1962: In Moscow, an enraged Nikita Khrushchev bangs his shoe on nuclear missile launch buttons. Fortunately, the Soviet missile-control computer had just moments before run out of kerosene.
- 1963: Richard Simmons almost loses his virginity.
- 1069: Little did B.J. Richard, the sixth Duke of Hummer, know that the accidental coupling of his most intimate region with his 3-foot tall mistress would result in a sexual act being named after him.
- 1843: After years of research, German inventor Gunther Dildo finally finishes his lifelong research.
- 1997: On June 13, my mom forgot to criticize my housekeeping skills.
- 1895: In June, Guglielmo Marconi invents the radio. In July, Guglielmo Kasem counts down the "Rome Top 40."
- 1432: The invention of the moveable-type garlic press.
- 1492: "Heads, we name it 'America'; Tails, it's 'Columbus.' Loser gets a city in the Ohio Territories."
- 1541: During a manicure, Henry VIII accidentally invents the "pull my finger" gag.
- 1450: Printing press invented by a young Al Gore.
- 1517: Prior to nailing his 95 Theses on the church door in Wittenberg, Martin Luther nails 3 Ingrids in the choir loft.
- 1491: Colombus discovers the clitoris.
and the Number 1 Least-Noticed Important Event of the Last 1000 Years...
- 1898: Benny Rabinowitz gets the last open spot on the Braunau Elementary School kickball team, leaving poor little Adolph over there, all by himself.
Check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 100 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 1 (8th #1)
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 2 Email
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 3 Email / Hall of Famer
- Peter Rogers, Boston, MA -- 4
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 5 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 6, 16 Email
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 7
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 8, Runner Up list name, Email
- Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA -- 9 Website
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Denver, CO -- 10, Honorable Mention lis Email
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 11 Email / Hall of Famer
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 12
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 Email / Hall of Famer
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 14 Email
- Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA -- 15 Email
- Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Banner Tag Email
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Liz Scott, Madison, AL -- Ambience (explanation)