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ClubTop5
Some assembly required.

December 8, 1999


~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's list is a Top5 Classic,
originally published on July 8, 1996.
If you subscribe to Top5 Classic, you'll
get one of these in your inbox every weekday.


The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts


    1. Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."

    2. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.

    3. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.

    4. Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.

    5. After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"

    6. The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.

    7. Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"

    8. Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.

    9. Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.

    10. "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"

    11. Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.

    12. Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.

    13. That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.

    14. Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"

    15. Enjoys it so much when small children urinate on his lap, he happily returns the favor.

    16. Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.

      and the Number 1 Sign the Santa at the Mall is Nuts...

    17. While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.

Check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!




Selected from 132 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 1, 11 Hall of Famer
  • Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 2
  • Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 2
  • John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 2 Hall of Famer
  • Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 3
  • Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 3
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Hall of Famer
  • Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 5
  • Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 6
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 7 Hall of Famer
  • Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 8
  • Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 9
  • Jay Allen, Santa Barbara, CA -- 10
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 12
  • Tisha Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 13
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 14 Hall of Famer
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 15, Banner Tag
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 16
  • Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 17
  • Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- Topic

Top5 Bomb

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