December 19, 2001
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
The U.S. government recently issued a
holiday-season warning of unspecified attacks
and once again put Americans on high alert.
Since most Americans seem confused as to exactly
what they should be doing or looking out for,
TopFive thought we'd offer some suggestions.
The Top 15 Holiday Alertness Tips
- Beware of bearded religious fanatics penetrating the air space above your house or chimney.
- Anthrax spores may arrive in the guise of small white flakes descending from the sky. Run for cover!
- This year, avoid the New Year's Eve fireworks display in Kandahar.
- Beware of people sucking candy canes in a way that makes them very very pointy.
- Carefully sorted mail with rubber gloves and a gas mask? Check.
Incinerated suspicious looking mail? Check.
Accidentally reduced holiday bonus check to carbon? D'OH!
- Why fly when you can argue with relatives via instant messaging?
- Keep in mind that airport security personnel spend 75% less time processing naked people through checkpoints.
- Fruit cakes, if stacked properly, can make an effective and tasty bomb shelter.
- Visions of sugarplums may indicate exposure to nerve gas.
- Pointy, dangerous metal Menorahs should be replaced with the Nerf(tm) Menorah.
- If you encounter a Santa's helper in the mall who says, "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell," do the world a favor and pummel him senseless.
- Leave the tinsel strand hanging out of the cat's ass. It'll make Fluffy easier to find in a blackout.
- Do random strip searches of secretaries at the company holiday party. THIS year, the Attorney General's got your back!
- Guys: While carving the Christmas turkey with the electric knife, make sure you've finished having sex with the turkey first.
and the Number 1 Holiday Alertness Tip...
- Going to the Rose Parade? Keep your distance from that "Jihad Wonderland" float.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
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Selected from 116 submissions from 43 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 1 (43rd #1) Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX -- 2 Email
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 3
- Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 4
- Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA -- 5 Email
- Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 6 Email / Website
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 7, 14 Email / Website
- Steven Wilber, Pomeroy, WA -- 8 Email
- Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 9, 11
- Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 9 Email
- Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 10
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12 Email / Hall of Famer
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 13 Email
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 14 Email
- Laurie Northrup, Syracuse, NY -- 14 Website
- Andrea Crain, Madison, WI -- 14 Website
- Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 15 Hall of Famer
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- Topic Email / Hall of Famer
- Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email / Website
- John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Honorable Mention list name Email
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Black Sabbath, Birmingham, England -- Ambience (explanation)