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December 11, 2002

The Top 15 Elf Pet Peeves
(Part I)

    1. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality elf porn.

    2. Toil for 365 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rat's ass. Meanwhile, frolic around in some stupid "fellowship" with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.

    3. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.

    4. Let's put it this way: If Cardinal Law were Santa's boss, he'd look the other way.

    5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.

    6. Casual Fridays. Nobody, and I mean *nobody* should have to look at the big guy in a thong.

    7. The machine in the workshop bathroom only has regular-sized condoms.

    8. Santa dangling our co-workers from the workshop balcony during ill-conceived publicity stunts.

    9. Serving as Santa's fluffer while he visits the Naughty list.

    10. Prancer's habit of freaking out over Rudolph's nose means constantly shampooing reindeer dung out of your hair.

    11. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.

    12. Hard to satisfy the ladies when the North Pole winter shrinks your organ to the size of a Chapstick.

      and the Number 1 Elf Pet Peeve...

    13. That bastard Randy Newman hasn't died yet.

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runner up submissions for this list.

Selected from 147 submissions from 53 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 1 (24th #1) Email / Hall of Famer
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 2 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 2 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 3
  • Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY -- 4 Website
  • Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA -- 5
  • Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 6
  • Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 7
  • Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI -- 8 (Rookie!)
  • Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 9 Hall of Famer
  • Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV -- 10, 12
  • Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA -- 11
  • John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- 13 Email / Website
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- Topic
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag, HM list name Email
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Jill Sobule, Denver, CO -- Ambience   (explanation)

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