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October 25, 1999

Last week, Kenneth Starr -- the man who presided over the
lengthy investigation of President Clinton -- officially
stepped down from his role as Independent Counsel.

The Top 14 Things on Ken Starr's To-Do List

    1. Subpoena wife, ask her what time dinner will be ready.

    2. Call CEO of Mattel; pitch "Special Prosecutor Ken" doll.

    3. Invite Bill to step inside the ring, play "Eye of the Tiger" and slug it out, baby!

    4. Go to Disneyland and indict that no-pants-wearin' duck!

    5. Sit in a comfortable chair, watch the clock, and sigh intermittently.

    6. Step 1: Tweak crosswalk signal on Pennsylvania Ave to always flash "Don't Walk."
      Step 2: Place Big Mac n' fries across the street.
      Step 3: Convince Supreme Court that jaywalking is an impeachable offense.

    7. Investigate that job offer from Penthouse Forum.

    8. Parlay experience as an "independent" counsel into lucrative job as an "unbiased" WWF referee.

    9. Close the book on efforts to nail Bill Clinton, commence efforts to nail Bea Arthur.

    10. Buy beret, blue dress and Elmer's glue for hilarious Halloween costume.

    11. Finish script for new sitcom: "Two Guys, a Girl, and a $47 Million Hummer."

    12. Change the setting on the stick up my ass from "government" to "civilian."

    13. Prepare speech for "Botching an Investigation" conference in Boulder, Colorado.

      and the Number 1 Thing on Ken Starr's To-Do List...

    14. Find a copy and read that Constitution thing everyone keeps going on about.

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Selected from 119 submissions from 42 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1, Topic (16th #1) Email / Hall of Famer
  • Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 2, 9, 13 Email
  • Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 3 Email
  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 4
  • Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 5, 14
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 6, RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Jeff Johnson, Cupertino, CA -- 7, 8 Email
  • JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 8 Email
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 10 Email / Website
  • Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE -- 11
  • Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 12 Email
  • Gloria Monti, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Ringo Starr, Liverpool, England -- Ambience

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