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October 25, 1999
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Last week, Kenneth Starr -- the man who presided over the
lengthy investigation of President Clinton -- officially
stepped down from his role as Independent Counsel.
The Top 14 Things on Ken Starr's To-Do List
- Subpoena wife, ask her what time dinner will be ready.
- Call CEO of Mattel; pitch "Special Prosecutor Ken" doll.
- Invite Bill to step inside the ring, play "Eye of the Tiger" and slug it out, baby!
- Go to Disneyland and indict that no-pants-wearin' duck!
- Sit in a comfortable chair, watch the clock, and sigh intermittently.
- Step 1: Tweak crosswalk signal on Pennsylvania Ave to always flash "Don't Walk."
Step 2: Place Big Mac n' fries across the street.
Step 3: Convince Supreme Court that jaywalking is an impeachable offense.
- Investigate that job offer from Penthouse Forum.
- Parlay experience as an "independent" counsel into lucrative job as an "unbiased" WWF referee.
- Close the book on efforts to nail Bill Clinton, commence efforts to nail Bea Arthur.
- Buy beret, blue dress and Elmer's glue for hilarious Halloween costume.
- Finish script for new sitcom: "Two Guys, a Girl, and a $47 Million Hummer."
- Change the setting on the stick up my ass from "government" to "civilian."
- Prepare speech for "Botching an Investigation" conference in Boulder, Colorado.
and the Number 1 Thing on Ken Starr's To-Do List...
- Find a copy and read that Constitution thing everyone keeps going on about.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
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Selected from 119 submissions from 42 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1, Topic (16th #1) Email / Hall of Famer
- Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 2, 9, 13 Email
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 3 Email
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 4
- Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 5, 14
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 6, RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Jeff Johnson, Cupertino, CA -- 7, 8 Email
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 8 Email
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
- Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 10 Email / Website
- Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE -- 11
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 12 Email
- Gloria Monti, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Ringo Starr, Liverpool, England -- Ambience