[an error occurred while processing this directive] [an error occurred while processing this directive]
Compare our prices!

October 22, 1999


The Top 14 New Features in Windows 2000

    1. With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more than just web sites.

    2. Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.

    3. Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry ass.

    4. Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.

    5. Now incompatible with *all* hardware and software, instead of just the ones that I buy.

    6. Crumple Zones!

    7. New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.

    8. Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.

    9. Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying "I can't do that, Dave."

    10. Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless."

    11. First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!

    12. Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!

    13. New "Gatesland, Gatesland uber alles" welcome screen.

      and the Number 1 New Feature in Windows 2000...

    14. Free technical support until 1901!

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!


[an error occurred while processing this directive]

Selected from 109 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 1, 3 (5th #1) Email
  • David E. Spiro, Tucson, AZ -- 1 (3rd #1)
  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 2
  • Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 3 Email / Website
  • Patrick Major, Dallas, OR -- 4 Email
  • Lisa Oliver, London, England -- 5 Email
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 6 Email / Website
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 7
  • Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Beth Black, Misawa City, Japan -- 9 Email / Website
  • Laurie Northrup, Clinton, NY -- 10 Website
  • JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 11 Email
  • Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 12 Email / Website
  • Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 13 Website
  • Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 14 Email
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Topic Email
  • Gloria Monti, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- RU list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- List moderator Hall of Famer
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Radiohead, Oxford, England -- Ambience

[an error occurred while processing this directive] [an error occurred while processing this directive]