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October 22, 1999
The Top 14 New Features in Windows 2000
- With optional metal probe, Microsoft's "Explorer" now explores more than just web sites.
- Recycle Bin inexplicably replaced with an angry monkey.
- Built-in Excel macro calculates *exactly* how many times Bill Gates can buy your sorry ass.
- Calls your mother every time you log into porn sites.
- Now incompatible with *all* hardware and software, instead of just the ones that I buy.
- Crumple Zones!
- New "No Monopoly To See Here" background featuring a scrolling "Gee you're looking very lovely today, Ms. Reno" message and a dewy-eyed Bill Gates cursor.
- Helpfully locates and destroys all non-Microsoft software on your computer.
- Illegal operation error message now includes WAV file saying "I can't do that, Dave."
- Final installation screen displays the message: "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 2000. Windows will now restart your machine and render your programs useless."
- First 3,500 customers to purchase Windows 2000 receive 12 free hours of antitrust litigation from Microsoft lawyers!
- Crashes *twice* as fast as Windows 98!
- New "Gatesland, Gatesland uber alles" welcome screen.
and the Number 1 New Feature in Windows 2000...
- Free technical support until 1901!
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
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Selected from 109 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 1, 3 (5th #1) Email
- David E. Spiro, Tucson, AZ -- 1 (3rd #1)
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 2
- Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 3 Email / Website
- Patrick Major, Dallas, OR -- 4 Email
- Lisa Oliver, London, England -- 5 Email
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 6 Email / Website
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 7
- Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
- Beth Black, Misawa City, Japan -- 9 Email / Website
- Laurie Northrup, Clinton, NY -- 10 Website
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 11 Email
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 12 Email / Website
- Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 13 Website
- Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 14 Email
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Topic Email
- Gloria Monti, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- RU list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- List moderator Hall of Famer
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Radiohead, Oxford, England -- Ambience