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Your Original Humor Superstore!

October 20, 1999

The Top 15 Reasons You Didn't
Win the Nobel Prize This Year


    1. Your only "research project" culminated in an email to your co-workers describing the physiological traits of Hooters waitresses.

    2. You beat Wilt's record at 20,001, but no one wants to disrespect a dead man.

    3. "Peace prize?!? Oh man, I thought you said 'piece' prize! Do you think I could have my Polaroids back?"

    4. You had to send one too many letter bombs in order to get your thesis published.

    5. Previous winner: Took vow of poverty and fed starving children. You: Held best friend at gunpoint in your Bronco -- and you *still* haven't found the real killers.

    6. Your paper: "The Economics of Supersizing It: The Marginal Utility of Fry-Drink Augmentation"

    7. Just couldn't come up with a good rhyme for "Pawtucket."

    8. Your project suffered when your intellectual inspiration, Dan Quayle, dropped out of the presidential race.

    9. Your "perpetual motion machine" looks suspiciously like a drinking bird toy.

    10. For your entire career, your "booger physics" and "snot as an adhesive" research has been largely ignored.

    11. It seems the Heisman folks aren't the only ones who frown on stealing clothing.

    12. That radio feller musta been mistaken when he said folks have won for their work on fishin'.

    13. You were supposed to clone the entire sheep, not just "the naughty bits."

    14. Whitey don't give no Nobel Prize for Rap, so who gives a @$%*!?

      and the Number 1 Reason You Didn't Win the Nobel Prize This Year...

    15. Your field: biology.
      Your state: Kansas.

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Selected from 122 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1 (15th #1) Email / Hall of Famer
  • Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 1 (4th #1) Email
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 3 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 4, HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 5, 11, 12 (Hat trick!) Email
  • Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE -- 6
  • Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 6 Website
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 7, 14
  • Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 8 Email
  • Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN -- 9 Email
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 10, 14 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA -- 11, 13
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 13, Topic Email
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 15 Email
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- RU list name, Banner Tag Email
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Anita Ward, Memphis, TN -- Ambience

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