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No Root, No Ride

October 18, 1999

The Top 14 Signs You Chose the Wrong Airline


    1. "If there's a mechanical engineer on board, or even someone who's mechanically inclined, please report immediately to the cockpit."

    2. Four states and a seatmate's life story later, you realize the plane is not on I-95 just to taxi to the runway.

    3. The complimentary beverage is Zima laced with horse tranquilizer.

    4. "...and a special welcome to the Association of Parents with Colicky Triplets!"

    5. Relaxing music for take off is Buddy Holly's Greatest Hits.

    6. Phish Air's complimentary bong hits are soured by overwhelming stench of patchouli oil, sweat and nine-year-old Birkenstocks.

    7. The pilot for your trans-Atlantic crossing? Captain Nemo.

    8. "And we'd like to welcome all our friends from the Islamic Jihad soccer team..."

    9. "We only have one peanut, so just suck on it for a minute and then pass it back."

    10. During her pre-flight demonstration, the flight attendant accidentally inflates her colostomy bag.

    11. "In case of a water landing, that tubby guy in seat 19F will double as a flotation device."

    12. After a flock of birds slams into your window, and an attack of vertigo, you begin to think "North By Northwest Airlines" was a bad choice.

    13. "Our in-flight movie this evening will be camcorder footage from my daughter Ashley's Little League game last night."

      and the Number 1 Sign You Chose the Wrong Airline...

    14. The pre-flight safety video shows a pair of lips, an ass, and the word "Goodbye" printed in twelve different languages.

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!


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Selected from 179 submissions from 64 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Elliott Downing, Antioch, CA -- 1 (1st #1 -- Woo-Hoo!)
  • Laurie Northrup, Clinton, NY -- 2 Website (Rookie!)
  • Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 3
  • Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- 4, Runner Up list name Email / Website
  • Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 5 Email
  • Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 6 Website
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 7 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 7 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 9
  • Lisa Oliver, London, England -- 10 Email
  • Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 11 Email
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 12 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 13
  • Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 14 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia -- Banner Tag
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- Honorable Mention list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Topic Email
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Buddy Holly, Lubbock, TX -- Ambience

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