October 7, 1999
The Top 13 Clever Ways to Defend
Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid
- Quickly rotate planet so that Iraq absorbs the impact.
- "That's right, Mr. Brando! A giant meatball! Just for you!"
- The Roadrunner approach: Fake it out by painting the moon to look like Earth.
- Ban teaching the theory of asteroids in your science class.
- Commission Christo to make one of those big-ass umbrellas, using Kevlar.
- Inform Starbucks corporate headquarters that no franchise has been detected on the asteroid's surface. Wait 24 hours.
- Convince it to join the Reform Party.
- Break it up by bombarding it with radio waves of Yoko Ono's music.
- Give *everyone* their own personal asteroid. (Submitted by the NRA)
- Time to roll out that gigantic tube of Preparation-A.
- Marge Schott in a bikini - that would repel *anything*.
- Send Bruce Willis into space to blow it up. Even if he fails: Hey, you got rid of Bruce Willis!
and the Number 1 Clever Way to Defend Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid...
- Forget about sending astronauts to destroy it -- go back to your old high school hangout and get those guys with the initials "D.I.K." and "F.U.K." who always seemed to have the high scores on the video game.
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Selected from 88 submissions from 34 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 1, 6 (19th #1) Hall of Famer
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 2, 4 Email
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 2 Email / Website
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 2 Email / Hall of Famer
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 3, HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 4, Topic Email
- David Bryant, Columbia, MD -- 4 Email
- Chris Gleason, Gaithersburg, MD -- 4
- Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 4 Email
- Beth Black, Misawa City, Japan -- 4 Email / Website
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 5 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 7, 10 Email
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 8, 12 Email
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 9, 11 Email / Hall of Famer
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 13 Email / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag Email
- Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Steve Miller, Milwaukee, WI -- Ambience