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Patent Pending

October 7, 1999

The Top 13 Clever Ways to Defend
Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid


    1. Quickly rotate planet so that Iraq absorbs the impact.

    2. "That's right, Mr. Brando! A giant meatball! Just for you!"

    3. The Roadrunner approach: Fake it out by painting the moon to look like Earth.

    4. Ban teaching the theory of asteroids in your science class.

    5. Commission Christo to make one of those big-ass umbrellas, using Kevlar.

    6. Inform Starbucks corporate headquarters that no franchise has been detected on the asteroid's surface. Wait 24 hours.

    7. Convince it to join the Reform Party.

    8. Break it up by bombarding it with radio waves of Yoko Ono's music.

    9. Give *everyone* their own personal asteroid. (Submitted by the NRA)

    10. Time to roll out that gigantic tube of Preparation-A.

    11. Marge Schott in a bikini - that would repel *anything*.

    12. Send Bruce Willis into space to blow it up. Even if he fails: Hey, you got rid of Bruce Willis!

      and the Number 1 Clever Way to Defend Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid...

    13. Forget about sending astronauts to destroy it -- go back to your old high school hangout and get those guys with the initials "D.I.K." and "F.U.K." who always seemed to have the high scores on the video game.

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