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September 29, 1999

The Top 14 Worst Things About Autumn

    1. Cold mornings followed by hot afternoons leave your nipples exhausted.

    2. Too cold to have the AC running all the time and still too warm to keep those bodies in the crawl space from going ripe.

    3. Death. Death surrounds us, infuses the air with its foul presence, sucks life from once-breathing limbs, colors the sky a putrefying grey. Also, ski accessories get marked WAY up.

    4. Confused young men have no idea where to turn their fancy.

    5. Dennis Rodman's hair turns from yellow to red.

    6. Martha Stewart's recipes always seem to feature phallic-shaped squash, sliced.

    7. Annoying shrieks of the leaves as they hurtle toward the ground -- or am *I* the only one who hears these?

    8. Terry Bradshaw starts talking, and doesn't stop until late January.

    9. Chicago Cubs already mathematically eliminated from *next* year's baseball playoffs.

    10. Getting a bit chilly for the old raincoat trick.

    11. Classic rock radio's moronic "Zeptember" gives way to even more idiotic "Rocktober."

    12. Like the autumn leaves, that pair of underwear you've been wearing every day this Summer begins to change to golden browns and yellows.

    13. End of the summer state fair season means members of the Marshall Tucker Band once again begin roaming the neighborhood looking for grub.

      and the Number 1 Worst Thing About Autumn...

    14. Exploding fragmentation pumpkins (Montana only).

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!

Selected from 112 submissions from 42 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Patrick Major, Dallas, OR -- 1, 8 (3rd #1) Email
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 2 Hall of Famer
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4, HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 5 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 5 Email
  • Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- 5, Runner Up list name Email / Website
  • Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 6 Email / Hall of Famer
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 6 Email
  • Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 6 Email
  • Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN -- 7 Email
  • Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 9 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 10
  • Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 11
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 12 Email / Hall of Famer
  • John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY -- 13
  • Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 14 Email
  • Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- Topic Email
  • Wendy Zumpano, Gurnee, IL -- Banner Tag
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • The Moody Blues, London, England -- Ambience

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