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TopFive.com
Aim at assailant's face, press button and spray.

September 27, 1999

~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's list is compiled exclusively from
submissions sent in by our ClubTop5 members.
Join ClubTop5 today!

The Top 16 Signs You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship

    1. The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake.

    2. Scheduled entertainment: The comedy stylings of Kato Kaelin

    3. All activities are scheduled for after sundown, and the chefs refuse to cook with garlic.

    4. First port of call on your "Surprise Adventures Tour" is East Timor.

    5. Six-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go -- and it's *not* a Disney cruise.

    6. The "TrekCruise" brochure said nothing about William Shatner eating all the shrimp before you get to the buffet.

    7. "LIFEBOATS?!? We don't NEED no stinkin' lifeboats!!"

    8. The scenery is nice, but monotonous: two seagulls, a puffy cloud, a sun, then wait ten seconds and it starts over again.

    9. Complimentary Polo shirt is yours to keep -- after you make a dozen more just like 'em for Kathie Lee at the Guatemala port of call.

    10. The Good News: You've been invited to dine at the captain's table.
      The Bad News: Tonight's entertainment is a live sex show at the captain's table.

    11. Welcome aboard "wine and cheese" buffet consists of Ripple and Velveeta slices.

    12. Their ship: Leonardo DiCaprio sketches a tasteful nude of you in your cabin.
      Your ship: Bobby-Ray spray paints your name on one of the smokestacks.

    13. "And here's your dance director: The man who invented dancing, Al Gore!"

    14. Cruise line name: ValuBoat
      Destination: Florida Everglades

    15. That strong smell of fish is not coming from the sea, but from your cruise director, Julie McCrusty.

      and the Number 1 Sign You've Boarded A Bad Cruise Ship...

    16. "Attention passengers: Now starting on the Lido Deck is the ship's Tequila Shots Championship. Come watch undefeated Captain Hazelwood defend his title!"

Check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!




Selected from 192 submissions from 104 ClubTop5 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Sandra Hull, Arlington VA -- 1 (Woo-hoo!!)
  • Gayle Fisher, Chicago, IL -- 2
  • John Lathem, Cleveland OH -- 3
  • Ryan Mangin, Baton Rouge, LA -- 4
  • Bill McNeil, Kensington, MD -- 5
  • Julie Blackwell, Schaumburg, IL -- 6
  • Andy Pierson, Huntingtown, MD -- 7
  • Jeff Tom, Torrance, CA -- 8
  • Carl Ford, whereabouts unknown -- 8
  • Albert Hernandez, San Francisco, CA -- 9
  • Janice L. Ogilvie, Phoenix, AZ -- 10
  • Mark H. Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- 11
  • Brian Smith, Odessa, FL -- 12
  • Elizabeth Hagan, Tallmadge, OH -- 13
  • DeniBear, Pompano Beach, FL -- 14
  • LenPal, Gloucester, MA -- 15
  • Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 16
  • Lori Carmona, Manassas, VA -- Banner Tag
  • Lee Lloyd, Sylmar, CA -- Runner Up list name
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Honorable Mention name
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Frankie Ford, Gretna, LA -- Ambience

Top5 Bomb

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