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Contents May Have Shifted During Laughing
September 24, 2001

The Top 12 Surprises in the Fall Movie Season

    1. Heightened security measures at the local cineplex mean that you will no longer be able to smuggle in your own popcorn.

    2. Hugh Grant stars as a brave, non-stammering Army general who-- never mind, I'm thinking of Mel Gibson.

    3. Lorne Michaels announces that he's run out of Saturday Night Live cast members to put in bad movies.

    4. Wes Craven's "Webster's Revenge" sparks a run of copycat former-child-stars-as-killer-zombie movies.

    5. Despite his being voted one of the "sexiest men alive," very few people seem to want to pay to see Sean Connery naked.

    6. "Jaws IV, People 0" not a big hit in Florida.

    7. The big surprise hit is "The Making of Britney's Breasts," starring Max Rosenrosen, Cedars-Sinai Chief of Reconstructive Surgery.

    8. Toning down the violence, the new Steven Seagal movie features villains lobbing water balloons.

    9. Angered by homosexuals, abortionists, and liberals, God lifts his veil of divine protection and allows "Rush Hour III" to be made.

    10. Sound of Mariah Carey singing is drowned out by the sound of the Dolby system committing suicide.

    11. Harrison Ford reprises his role as Agent Jack Ryan, on special assignment to figure out what the hell's up with that Anne Heche chick.

      and the Number 1 Surprise in the Fall Movie Season...

    12. "...starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Barney!"

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