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September 22, 1999

The Top 12 Demands of the Cartoon Characters Union

    1. Scripts with more hot XXX cartoon action in them!

    2. Wimpy "rubbed out" unless he pays back $880,900 in borrowed hamburger money.

    3. Protection against discrimination on the basis of elasticity, speech impediment, or the inability to run through tunnels painted on solid rock.

    4. At least one episode showing Wile E. Coyote's caring, sensitive side.

    5. All employees allowed to purchase options of ACME Co. and its subsidiaries before the initial public offering.

    6. [Head] severance pay

    7. Enough with the freakin' anvils already!!

    8. Popeye demands Olive Oyl is replaced by "more seaworthy" Lara Croft.

    9. Improved medical plan to cover "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs" dementia and IIAS (Impact-Induced Accordion Syndrome).

    10. One word: Pants

    11. Dismissal of all sexual harassment charges pending against Pepe LePew.

      and the Number 1 Demand of the Cartoon Characters Union...

    12. No more keynote speeches by Porky Pig.

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