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September 20, 1999
The Top 14 Signs You Bought a
Crappy Home Security System
- All you get is Bob Dole standing on your porch, yelling, "HEY, you kids get off my lawn!"
- System attempts to bait and trap burglars using a plate of Oreos and a fishing net.
- The on-site security guard keeps stealing the covers.
- The installation crew just dropped off Macaulay Culkin, three skateboards, tar, feathers, marbles, and several gallons of paint.
- Voice recognition only responds when you get your Kissinger imitation *just* right.
- Service includes "regular patrolling by Securo the Clown."
- Eerily calm voice says, "I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Lipshitz."
- Instead of a traditional alarm, your system plays old Journey songs at an uncomfortably loud volume.
- Consists solely of a "Thou shalt not steal" sticker for your front door.
- System automatically phones you when it detects your belongings are being auctioned off on eBay.
- Every time you flush the toilet, FBI agents surround your house.
- "Home security -- from the people who brought you Hotmail!"
- System includes security cameras in your bedroom and bathroom and requires a high-speed connection to the Internet.
and the Number 1 Signs You Bought a Crappy Home Security System...
- Although highly effective, the dingo pit and lava-filled moat are a bitch to maintain.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 129 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH -- 1, 6, 11 (2nd #1 / Hat trick!) Email
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 1, 14 (20th #1) Hall of Famer
- Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 2, 7
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 3, RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 3 Email
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 4 Email
- Paul Paternoster, Los Altos, CA -- 5 Email / Hall of Famer
- Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX -- 6, 11 Email
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 8, 10 Email
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 8 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 8 Email
- Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 9 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA -- 11, 12, Honorable Mention list name Email / Website
- Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 11, 14 Email / Hall of Famer
- Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH -- 11
- Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 13 Email / Website
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 14 Hall of Famer
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- Topic Email / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag Email
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- The Alarm, Rhyl, Wales -- Ambience