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September 17, 1999

The Top 14 Signs Your Body Piercing
Fetish Has Gone Too Far

    1. "With this nipple ring, I thee wed."

    2. Before your appendix operation, you ask the doctor to put a stud through your spleen.

    3. You still bear the emotional scars from the pain you experienced after you stood near a carousel.

    4. Forget the Prince Albert -- you're getting a Phineas Gage!

    5. No matter how you go to sleep, you wake up pointing magnetic north.

    6. Your insatiable lust for piercing bodies causes people to confuse you with Charlie Sheen.

    7. When the wind picks up, you sound like the Boston Pops woodwind section.

    8. Though it looks cool, the diamond stud in your cornea seriously impairs your ability to drive at night.

    9. Hurts like hell when you absent-mindedly sit in the microwave.

    10. Every time you sneeze it sounds like someone dropped a box of salad forks.

    11. You can't walk through an average doorway because of the javelin in your tongue.

    12. Despite your Kate Moss frame, you're still 37 pounds overweight.

    13. Getting through the airport metal detector now requires stripping down to your skeleton.

      and the Number 1 Sign Your Body Piercing Fetish Has Gone Too Far...

    14. Your plan to pierce each freckle could get mighty costly, Erin O'Riley.

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