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September 14, 1999

The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence


    1. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

    2. I say zip it -- zip it good!

    3. Just because it's the most pleasurable sensation you'll ever feel in your lifetime doesn't mean you should rush right out and experience it.

    4. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

    5. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

    6. Just Say Whoa

    7. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

    8. The Pope does it -- now *you* can, too!

    9. Abstinence: It's not just for quarrels anymore!

    10. Leave It Near Beaver

    11. Don't think of it as less sex -- think of it as more time to watch Babylon 5 reruns.

    12. You've come a long way, Baby -- for nothing!

    13. Abstinence: No f**kin' way!

    14. Spend a little time away from the orifice.

      and the Number 1 Rejected Slogan Promoting Abstinence...

    15. "Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people..."

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Selected from 153 submissions from 57 contributors.
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