All aboard! The Comedy Train is leaving the station!
September 13, 1999
The Top 13 Signs You're About to
Board an Unsafe Amusement Park Ride
- The ride operator's name tag reads "Crack Pipe Joe."
- "As seen in Thelma and Louise"
- Admission ticket has an "Organ Donor" check box.
- Mechanically, it's fine, but Reverend Falwell says if you ride it, you'll become a homosexual.
- Safety certificate issued by Boulder, Colorado, Police Department.
- Kids are screaming "Look, Ma! No hands!" as they come *off* the ride.
- At the beginning of the line is an upright casket with the sign, "You must not be taller than this."
- Most coasters are made of wood or iron. This one's made of wicker.
- Every time you ask if it's safe, Dustin Hoffman spits out another tooth at you.
- Missing padded safety straps have been replaced with piano wire and twine.
- Vultures aren't circling overheard -- they're on the ground and have already finished their salad course.
- Booth next door: "Identify a Body! Win a Prize! Three Tries For A Dollar!"
and the Number 1 Sign You're About to Go On an Unsafe Amusement Park Ride...
- Ride is operated by a slack-jawed, dead-eyed yokel who dropped out of grammar school, has drunk enough 151 rum to kill Keith Richards but is still on his feet and mumbling because all the speed he did has kept him awake for the past three days. Oh, wait -- that's EVERY carnival ride!
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 100 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Patrick Major, Dallas, OR -- 1, 3 (2nd #1) Email
- Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 1 (3rd #1) Email
- Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 Email
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 3 Email
- Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 3
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 4, Topic Email
- Brian Berry, Napoleon, OH -- 4 Email
- Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 5 Email / Hall of Famer
- Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA -- 6, 8 Email
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 7, RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 7
- Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY -- 8 Email / Website
- John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY -- 8 Email
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 9 Email
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 10, Honorable Mention list name Hall of Famer
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 11 Email / Hall of Famer
- Tim McKemy, Chandler, AZ -- 11 Email
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 11 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Alan Wagner, Pittsburg, KS -- 11
- Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN -- 12 Email / Website
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 13 Email / Hall of Famer
- Gloria Monti, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- The Tubes, San Francisco, CA -- Ambience