Brewed and bottled by Pilsner Urquell
September 9, 1999
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Tonight, the MTV Video Awards are being presented in Manhattan.
The Top 13 Signs You Won't Win an MTV Video Award
- Some bastard keeps tuning your guitar.
- "Best non-rhyming victim in a drive-by shooting" *still* not a category.
- You're Livin' La Vida No-Talenta.
- Because Kurt Loder cannot be bought, Mister Nose Candy!
- VH-1 just completed your "Where are they now?" segment.
- Budget cuts forced you to use a white, middle-aged heterosexual male choreographer.
- Special effects? You hired an alcoholic cinematographer with the shakes, for that "Blair Witch" look.
- Your hit rap song disses women executives in the music industry; Strike One. Your proposed solution: "Slap dem 'ho's around a bit"; Strikes two and three.
- Your double-major studies at Julliard severely cut into your washboard ab building time.
- Your band name: Barenaked Fat Guys Your video features: Barenaked Fat Guys
- You confused video award shows and submitted the tape of your cousin Earl stepping on a rake.
- The only video of you on TV this month shows you hiding a kilo of heroin in the kosher meal cart of American Airlines flight 393.
and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Win an MTV Video Award...
- Still no category for "Most Wasted Punk Burning Stuff at Woodstock."
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 120 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 1, 2 (8th #1) Email
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 3
- Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA -- 3 Email / Website
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 4 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 5 Email
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 6 Hall of Famer
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 7 Email
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 7
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 8, 12 Email
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 9 Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 10 Email / Hall of Famer
- Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 11 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 13 Email / Hall of Famer
- Gloria Monti, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- Topic Email / Hall of Famer
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- Runner Up list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Honorable Mention list name Email
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- The Dead Kennedys, San Francisco, CA -- Ambience