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September 9, 1999

Tonight, the MTV Video Awards are being presented in Manhattan.

The Top 13 Signs You Won't Win an MTV Video Award

    1. Some bastard keeps tuning your guitar.

    2. "Best non-rhyming victim in a drive-by shooting" *still* not a category.

    3. You're Livin' La Vida No-Talenta.

    4. Because Kurt Loder cannot be bought, Mister Nose Candy!

    5. VH-1 just completed your "Where are they now?" segment.

    6. Budget cuts forced you to use a white, middle-aged heterosexual male choreographer.

    7. Special effects? You hired an alcoholic cinematographer with the shakes, for that "Blair Witch" look.

    8. Your hit rap song disses women executives in the music industry; Strike One. Your proposed solution: "Slap dem 'ho's around a bit"; Strikes two and three.

    9. Your double-major studies at Julliard severely cut into your washboard ab building time.

    10. Your band name: Barenaked Fat Guys Your video features: Barenaked Fat Guys

    11. You confused video award shows and submitted the tape of your cousin Earl stepping on a rake.

    12. The only video of you on TV this month shows you hiding a kilo of heroin in the kosher meal cart of American Airlines flight 393.

      and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Win an MTV Video Award...

    13. Still no category for "Most Wasted Punk Burning Stuff at Woodstock."

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