Kid-tested, mother approved.
September 8, 1999
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's topic was one of those which just begged for a
slightly longer list, so I gave in like a freshman pep squad
member in the back of the football team captain's BMW...
The Top 20 Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes
- His body was hard, not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
- Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.
- Her embrace made his manhood swell like week old road-kill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
- Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.
- As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.
- Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
- ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
- Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
- With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign -- yet she could NOT!
- He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
- His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.
- Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's adoring gaze.
- Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams.
- Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.
- With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
- He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.
- He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.
- His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
- Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.
and the Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...
- His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 92 submissions from 33 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 1 (18th #1) Email / Hall of Famer
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 2, 9, RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY -- 3, 7 Email / Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4, 15 Email / Hall of Famer
- Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 5 Email / Hall of Famer
- Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 6, Topic Email
- Matt Siske, Dayton, OH -- 8
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 10
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 11 Email / Hall of Famer
- Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH -- 12
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 14, 20, HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Denver, CO -- 16 Email
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 17 Email / Hall of Famer
- John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY -- 18 Email
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 19
- Julie Schlosbon, whereabouts unknown -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Everything But the Girl, Hull, England -- Ambience