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TopFive.com
From the novel of the same name.
August 7, 2002


The Top 12 Signs Your Pilot Is Drunk
(Part II)


    1. Asks if anyone wants to be the designated pilot for today's flight.

    2. Announces over the intercom, "Get ready -- it's time to stir our drinks again," then rolls the plane.

    3. Your non-stop to Atlanta included a stop-over at a Kroger's in Cincinnati to get some more limes.

    4. Goes into a vertical climb to see if he can urinate all the way to the rear bulkhead without hitting anyone.

    5. [*Ding*] "You are now free to move about my pants."

    6. Inside of the cockpit windshield is covered with saliva from making the "Pbbbbbttt!" noise as he steers.

    7. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the left of the plane, you'll see me hocking a loogie into the Grand Canyon."

    8. Flies the Concorde at 30 miles per hour so he won't get pulled over.

    9. "Okay, now everyone in coach: 'Show me the way to go home...'"

    10. Makes dire warning announcements regarding turbulence, then farts into the microphone.

    11. "This is your Captain speaking, and I just wanna say... I LOVE YOU. No, I'm serious, man. I LOVE YOU GUYS!"

      and the Number 1 Sign Your Pilot Is Drunk...

    12. Dares anyone to light their shoe on fire.

Join ClubTop5 to check out the runner up submissions
for this list, as well as yesterday's Part I.





Selected from 135 submissions from 49 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 1 (24th #1) Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 2, 5 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 2 Email
  • Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 2 Email
  • Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 2 Hall of Famer
  • Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY -- 2 Website
  • Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 3
  • Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 4 Email
  • Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 4
  • Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 5, HM list name Hall of Famer
  • Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI -- 5 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 6 Hall of Famer
  • Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA -- 7
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 8 Email
  • Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA -- 9
  • Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA -- 10 Email
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 11 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 12
  • John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- Topic
  • Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- Banner Tag
  • John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- RU list name Email / Website
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Pilot, Edinburgh, Scotland -- Ambience   (explanation)

Top5 Bomb

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