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July 31, 2001


Tobacco giant Philip Morris funded a study on the
positive effects of smoking, and concluded that early
deaths due to smoking were GOOD for a government --
saving much money in health care, pensions, etc.

Wonder what else they discovered?

The Top 14 Other Interesting
Findings by Philip Morris

    1. Dying of lung cancer saves people from the anguish of a mid-life crisis.

    2. A persistent hacking cough is excellent aerobic exercise *and* really works the abs.

    3. Facial wrinkles, yellow teeth and shriveled lips greatly reduce the risk of being stalked.

    4. Because of an accounting error in promotions, if everyone under the age of 18 pooled their Marlboro Miles, they could buy the company.

    5. Nutritious carbohydrates in Miller beer make for an excellent energy drink.

    6. Yellow nicotine teeth stains provide camouflage in cases of jungle combat.

    7. Discarded butts make a great snack for rats *and* choke thousands of disease-carrying pigeons to death every year.

    8. Little kids think that adults with "throat cancer voice" sound really cool.

    9. People who sit at desks all day long are prime candidates for heart attacks. Smokers, on the other hand, leave their desks and go outside several times per work day.

    10. Turns out smoking is a reliable indicator of sluttiness in women.

    11. Without cigarettes, the entire economy of our nation's prisons would collapse, forcing thousands of American inmates to go without bitches and shivs.

    12. You're never fully clean until you're emphysemally clean!

    13. Smoking is the third safest method of weight loss, after fen-phen and heroin.

      and the Number 1 Other Interesting Finding by Philip Morris...

    14. Man, that RuPaul is one hot chick!

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!

Selected from 124 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA -- 1 (7th #1) Email
  • Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 2, 7
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 3 Email / Hall of Famer
  • R.M. Weiner, Valley Village, CA -- 4 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 5 Email
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 6, 13 Email / Website
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 7 Email
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Neil Schwartzman, Montreal, Quebec -- 8 Email
  • Beth Black, Misawa City, Japan -- 9 Email / Website
  • Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 9
  • Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 10 Hall of Famer
  • Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 11 Website
  • Paul Lara, San Antonio, TX -- 12, 13 Email
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 13
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 13 Email
  • Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX -- 13
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 13, RU list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 14 Email / Website
  • Randy Mallon, Austin, TX -- Topic
  • Lori Carmona, Manassas, VA -- Banner tag
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Boston, Boston, MA -- Ambience   (explanation)

Top5 Bomb

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