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July 13, 2001

The Top 14 Immutable Laws of the Sitcom Universe

    1. The Universal Law of Gift Exchange: All presents must come in boxes with the lid wrapped separately from the rest of the package to allow for easy opening.

    2. The Cousin Oliver Corollary: As soon as the young, cute child becomes gangly or awkward, he/she is relegated to the background and a new young, cute child will be introduced.

    3. The Pet Theorem: Anytime there is a prominent family pet, odds are it will be smarter than at least one other character on the show.

    4. Remini's Conjecture: Pudgy, average-looking men always marry hot women. Pudgy, average-looking women don't exist.

    5. The cuter the child star, the longer the rap sheet.

    6. Lucy already did it, and it was funnier in 1953 than it is now.

    7. Carrot Top is not funny. Ever.

    8. Chrissy's First Law of Teledynamics: The subject of a telephone conversation, when overheard from behind the door of an adjacent room, can be fully and accurately ascertained from as few as two words.

    9. Statute of Prevarication: A zany scheme is always easier than simply telling the truth..

    10. A cynical, funny, but nerdy guy will eventually have sex with all his attractive female friends -- not that I'm bitter, mind you.

    11. The Will & Grace Paradox: Sitcoms can be funny. Gay people can be funny. But for some unknown reason, sitcoms about gay people are NOT funny.

    12. The Kramer Conundrum: If no one watched The Michael Richards Show, did it make a sound when it was canceled?

    13. Any problem taking more than 30 minutes to solve must be labeled "Very Special."

      and the Number 1 Immutable Law of the Sitcom Universe...

    14. Schwimmer's law: No matter how irritating a character may be, the other characters will never bludgeon him to death.

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!

Selected from 150 submissions from 55 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 1 (9th #1)
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 3 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Chris Irby, Dallas, TX -- 4, 13
  • Pat McCarley, Missouri City, TX -- 4
  • Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 5 Website
  • Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 6
  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 7 Website
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9 Email / Website
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 10, Honorable Mention lis Email / Website
  • Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 11
  • Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ -- 12
  • Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 14
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Topic Email
  • Bob Van Voris, New York, NY -- Topic
  • Jim Larsen, Springfield MO -- Banner tag
  • Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- Runner Up list name Hall of Famer
  • Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Suzi Quatro, Detroit, MI -- Ambience   (explanation)

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