Originally published on June 4, 1996
The Top 16 Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy
- Hasn't touched your inner trainset for days.
- Spends all day sulking in your lower intestine.
- You've stopped shouting "Wheeeee!" on the elevator at work.
- Joins an inner gang and goes wilding through your pancreas.
- You attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of J&B and M&M's.
- When you try to hug him, he pulls away and calls you a "pathetic codependent loser."
- When your boss calls you incompetant, you reply: "I know you are, but what am I?"
- Has been sulking since you refused to buy that Power Ranger doll.
- Constantly whacking the holy hell out of the inner puppy you gave him for his birthday.
- You keep getting thrown out of bars for ordering Lucky Charms and Milk.
- Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger Management Workshop" has kept you up three nights in a row.
- Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel onto the floor.
- You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your Inner Child.
- Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the hell outta this dump."
- You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until the gummi bear ransom is delivered.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Inner Child is Unhappy...
- Hires an inner lawyer and slaps your ass with a $40 million inner lawsuit.
Selected from 92 submissions by 28 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Greg Sherwin, San Francisco, CA -- 1
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 2, 5, Topic
- Caroline Gennity, Queens, NY -- 3, 8, 11
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 4 (Hall of Famer)
- Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 6
- Jim Louderback, New York, NY -- 7
- Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 9
- Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY -- 10
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 12
- Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 13
- Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA -- 14
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 15
- Tom Louderback, Breckenridge, CO -- 16
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