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Originally published on June 4, 1996

The Top 16 Signs Your Inner Child is Unhappy

    1. Hasn't touched your inner trainset for days.

    2. Spends all day sulking in your lower intestine.

    3. You've stopped shouting "Wheeeee!" on the elevator at work.

    4. Joins an inner gang and goes wilding through your pancreas.

    5. You attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of J&B and M&M's.

    6. When you try to hug him, he pulls away and calls you a "pathetic codependent loser."

    7. When your boss calls you incompetant, you reply: "I know you are, but what am I?"

    8. Has been sulking since you refused to buy that Power Ranger doll.

    9. Constantly whacking the holy hell out of the inner puppy you gave him for his birthday.

    10. You keep getting thrown out of bars for ordering Lucky Charms and Milk.

    11. Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger Management Workshop" has kept you up three nights in a row.

    12. Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel onto the floor.

    13. You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your Inner Child.

    14. Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the hell outta this dump."

    15. You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until the gummi bear ransom is delivered.

      and's Number 1 Sign Your Inner Child is Unhappy...

    16. Hires an inner lawyer and slaps your ass with a $40 million inner lawsuit.

Selected from 92 submissions by 28 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Greg Sherwin, San Francisco, CA -- 1
  • Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 2, 5, Topic
  • Caroline Gennity, Queens, NY -- 3, 8, 11
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 4 (Hall of Famer)
  • Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 6
  • Jim Louderback, New York, NY -- 7
  • Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 9
  • Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY -- 10
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 12
  • Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 13
  • Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA -- 14
  • Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 15
  • Tom Louderback, Breckenridge, CO -- 16

Top5 Bomb

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Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.