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TopFive.com
Non-habit forming when used as directed
May 25, 2001


~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~

There will be no list published next Monday,
as it's a national holiday here in the U.S. of A.

Today's list gives me a chance to plug our Top5 Food list,
which sends out one list every week on food-related topics.


The Top 15 Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook


    1. Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine -- Aviation Disaster Weekly.

    2. Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.

    3. Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.

    4. Your leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have a half-life.

    5. When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.

    6. The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.

    7. After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.

    8. First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the bread." Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread." Now it's simply "stop your bleeding."

    9. You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp" is.

    10. The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.

    11. After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.

    12. The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.

    13. Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.

    14. Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.

      and the Number 1 Sign You're Not a Very Good Cook...

    15. Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!




Selected from 171 submissions from 61 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 1, 15 (4th #1) Email
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 2, 10 Email
  • Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY -- 3 Email / Website
  • Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 4 Email / Website
  • Boyd Johnson, San Diego, CA -- 5 Email
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 6
  • Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 7 Email
  • Mark Schmidt, Paris, France -- 8 Email
  • Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 9 Hall of Famer
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 9 Email
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 11
  • Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 11 Email
  • Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 12, 13 Email / Website
  • Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA -- 14
  • Ken Woo, Encinitas, CA -- Topic Email / Hall of Famer
  • Naomi Rose, East Farmingdale, NY -- Banner tag
  • Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- Runner Up list name
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- List moderator
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Marvin Lee Aday, Dallas, TX -- Ambience   (explanation)

Top5 Bomb

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