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Servings per list: 1

April 2, 1999

The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician
(Part II)

    1. "Put your hands together for Dildo the Magnificent!"

    2. Novel as it may be, pulling a hat out of a rabbit just plain scares the kids.

    3. Trick #1 -- the disappearing pants!

    4. Seems genuinely amused every time he pulls a quarter out of your ass.

    5. He calmly announces that any "animal lovers in the crowd should probably leave the room for the next few tricks."

    6. Saws the lady in half, then tells the kids that only "money from mommy's purse" can make her whole again.

    7. At first you though an anal retentive magician would be funny, but who wants to see a guy saw a woman into 259 slices of unvarying width?

    8. Turns out his patented "pounding a woman in half" trick is XXX rated.

    9. During intermission, she made your 15-year-old son's virginity disappear.

    10. All of his "tricks" are written in C++.

    11. Keeps telling your daughter, "It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's the magic in it."

    12. His version of "The Disappearing Dove" requires a can of Crisco and a latex glove.

      and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...

    13. Sure, the rabbit-from-the-beret thing was cute, but The Great Lewinsky's "Magic Stain" trick was downright gross.

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!

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Selected from 136 submissions from 52 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 1 (5th #1) Email
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 1 (2nd #1) Email
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 2, 4, Topic Hall of Famer
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 3 Email
  • Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 5 Email / Website
  • Matt Siske, Dayton, OH -- 6
  • Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 7
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Josh Robertson, Bronx, NY -- 9
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 10 Email
  • Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 11 Email
  • Peter Rogers, Boston, MA -- 11
  • Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 12 Email
  • Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 12 Email
  • Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 13 Email
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Banner Tag Email
  • Brian Auten, Tecumseh, MI -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- Honorable Mention list name Email
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Pilot, whereabouts unknown -- Ambience

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