Servings per list: 1
April 2, 1999
The Top 13 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Magician
- "Put your hands together for Dildo the Magnificent!"
- Novel as it may be, pulling a hat out of a rabbit just plain scares the kids.
- Trick #1 -- the disappearing pants!
- Seems genuinely amused every time he pulls a quarter out of your ass.
- He calmly announces that any "animal lovers in the crowd should probably leave the room for the next few tricks."
- Saws the lady in half, then tells the kids that only "money from mommy's purse" can make her whole again.
- At first you though an anal retentive magician would be funny, but who wants to see a guy saw a woman into 259 slices of unvarying width?
- Turns out his patented "pounding a woman in half" trick is XXX rated.
- During intermission, she made your 15-year-old son's virginity disappear.
- All of his "tricks" are written in C++.
- Keeps telling your daughter, "It's not the size of the wand that matters, it's the magic in it."
- His version of "The Disappearing Dove" requires a can of Crisco and a latex glove.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...
- Sure, the rabbit-from-the-beret thing was cute, but The Great Lewinsky's "Magic Stain" trick was downright gross.
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Selected from 136 submissions from 52 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 1 (5th #1) Email
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 1 (2nd #1) Email
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 2, 4, Topic Hall of Famer
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 3 Email
- Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 5 Email / Website
- Matt Siske, Dayton, OH -- 6
- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 7
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Email / Hall of Famer
- Josh Robertson, Bronx, NY -- 9
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 10 Email
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 11 Email
- Peter Rogers, Boston, MA -- 11
- Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 12 Email
- Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 12 Email
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 13 Email
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Banner Tag Email
- Brian Auten, Tecumseh, MI -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- Honorable Mention list name Email
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Pilot, whereabouts unknown -- Ambience