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March 31, 1999

Top 13 Signs You've
Hired The Wrong Magician
(Part I)


    1. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

    2. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

    3. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.

    4. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.

    5. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

    6. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

    7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister

    8. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

    9. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."

    10. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.

    11. Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.

    12. Before every trick, tells hostess: "For this one, I'm going to need to borrow your bra."

      and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician (Part I)...

    13. Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit!"

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!




Selected from 136 submissions from 52 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 1, 4 (2nd #1) Email
  • Brian Auten, Tecumseh, MI -- 1 (2nd #1) Email / Website
  • Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA -- 2, 7
  • David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 3 Email / Website
  • Patrick Major, Dallas, OR -- 4 Email
  • Peter Rogers, Boston, MA -- 5
  • Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 6
  • Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH -- 7, 12 Email
  • Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 7 Email
  • Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 7 Email
  • Josh Robertson, Bronx, NY -- 8
  • Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 9 Email
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 9, Honorable Mention list name Email
  • Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 10 Email / Website
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 11 Email / Website
  • Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 13 Email / Website
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- Topic Hall of Famer
  • Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Banner Tag Email
  • Matt Siske, Dayton, OH -- Runner Up list name
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Heart, Seattle, WA -- Ambience

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