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March 18, 1999

~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
NOTES: The Top 5 contributors and I are vacationing at the
world-famous Bad Henry's Nudie Resort in Wichita, Kansas.
We'll be back with fresh new topics on Monday.

Here's a Top5 Classic from February 13, 1997...

The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation


    1. Lap-based web browsing

    2. Gettin' some air nookie

    3. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent

    4. Tango Con Mano

    5. Jostling your Elder

    6. Ruminating & Pondering

    7. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend

    8. Releasing the hostages

    9. Tickling your Elmo

    10. Fixing the Hubble

    11. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces

    12. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome

    13. Beta-testing the hardware

    14. Downloading from your own website

    15. Evicting the testicular squatters

      and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for Masturbation...

    16. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship's Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!




Selected from 148 submissions from 52 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:


  • Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 1 Email / Website
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2 Email
  • Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 3
  • Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 4
  • Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 5 Email
  • Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 6 Email
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 7 Email
  • David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Email
  • Patrick Douglas Crispen, Univ of Alabama -- 8 Email / Website
  • Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada -- 8
  • David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 8 Email
  • Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 9
  • Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 9 Email
  • Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 10 Email
  • R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 11, Topic Email
  • Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 12 Email
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12
  • Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 12 Email
  • Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 12 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 13 Email
  • Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 14 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 15 Email
  • Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 16 Email
  • John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- Topic
  • Chris White, Wichita, KS -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Jellyfish, San Francisco, CA -- Ambience

Top5 Bomb

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