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March 15, 1999

The Top 13 Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship

    1. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.

    2. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while "Love the One You’re With" plays in the background.

    3. Every time you hang up, you know she's *69ing someone.

    4. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.

    5. Now that AT&T has placed an account executive in your apartment, you’re constantly being chided for "holding back" when expressing your feelings.

    6. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.

    7. You need an alarm clock without his "morning appendage" poking you in the back at 6AM.

    8. It doesn't matter who visits whom, *someone* is violating their parole.

    9. That "You hang up first," "No, YOU hang up first" crap is really only funny the first two or three hundred times.

    10. No matter how much Viagra you take, the distance is still too damn far.

    11. FedEx's drug-sniffing dogs, apparently unable to distinguish panties from cocaine, keep freaking over your Letter-Paks.

    12. That awkward moment when she faxes you home to meet Mom and Dad.

      and the Number 1 Drawback of a Long-Distance Relationship...

    13. All of the carpal, none of the tunnel.

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  • Andy Wagner, Kfar Saba, Israel -- 4
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  • Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- Honorable Mention list name Email / Website
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
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