Welcome back, Donald and Walter!
February 29, 2000
The Top 15 Signs You Haven't Married a Millionaire
- Most people named Bubba haven't made it past "thousandaire."
- He tells you that "finances are very complicated and you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about it," but you still don't see how a "liquidity problem" makes a millionaire drive a Ford Fiesta.
- "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Chris White."
- Guy in a limo asks you for Grey Poupon at the red light, but all you can find is an empty Yoo-Hoo bottle and some packets of Taco Bell hot sauce.
- Got Silk?
- You soon learn that "liquid assets" refers to the cash he gets from selling his blood.
- Millionaire: money coming out the wazoo.
Your spouse: fermented by-products of the improper digestion of canned pork & beans coming out the wazoo.
- His "special imported caviar" looks suspiciously like Cheez Whiz and ground up Beer Nuts.
- The pre-nup says he gets to keep the Chia Pets.
- As you reach for the fancy canned peas, he gently steers you toward the "stunning neo-minimalist earthen packaging" of the generic brand.
- The financial news report came on while you were making love in the living room, and he didn't miss a beat.
- He winces visibly when you insist on supersizing your dinner.
- The moving company calls the honeymoon suite at Motel 6 to inform you that your grandmother's baby grand won't fit through the door of the double-wide.
- Two words: NASCAR coasters
and the Number 1 Sign That You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire...
- Your new wife's previous life: famous Olympic figure skater
Your new wife's current life: drunk bitch with hubcap
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 157 submissions from 56 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 1 (2nd #1)
- Colleen Tharme, Mount Clemens, MI -- 2, 8 (Rookie!)
- Beth Black, Misawa City, Japan -- 3, 11 Email / Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Email / Hall of Famer
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 5 Email / Website
- Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA -- 6 Email / Website
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 7 Email
- Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 9 Email
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 10 Email / Website
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 12, HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Kris Kettner, Fond du Lac, WI -- 13 Email / Website
- Joshua Wachs, Cambridge, MA -- 13
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 14 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Neil Schwartzman, Montreal, Quebec -- 15 Email
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Topic Email
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag Email
- Steven Bevier, Grand Rapids, MI -- Runner Up list name
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Queen, London, England -- Ambience (explanation)