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February 29, 2000

The Top 15 Signs You Haven't Married a Millionaire
(Part I)

    1. Most people named Bubba haven't made it past "thousandaire."

    2. He tells you that "finances are very complicated and you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about it," but you still don't see how a "liquidity problem" makes a millionaire drive a Ford Fiesta.

    3. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Chris White."

    4. Guy in a limo asks you for Grey Poupon at the red light, but all you can find is an empty Yoo-Hoo bottle and some packets of Taco Bell hot sauce.

    5. Got Silk?

    6. You soon learn that "liquid assets" refers to the cash he gets from selling his blood.

    7. Millionaire: money coming out the wazoo.
      Your spouse: fermented by-products of the improper digestion of canned pork & beans coming out the wazoo.

    8. His "special imported caviar" looks suspiciously like Cheez Whiz and ground up Beer Nuts.

    9. The pre-nup says he gets to keep the Chia Pets.

    10. As you reach for the fancy canned peas, he gently steers you toward the "stunning neo-minimalist earthen packaging" of the generic brand.

    11. The financial news report came on while you were making love in the living room, and he didn't miss a beat.

    12. He winces visibly when you insist on supersizing your dinner.

    13. The moving company calls the honeymoon suite at Motel 6 to inform you that your grandmother's baby grand won't fit through the door of the double-wide.

    14. Two words: NASCAR coasters

      and the Number 1 Sign That You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire...

    15. Your new wife's previous life: famous Olympic figure skater
      Your new wife's current life: drunk bitch with hubcap

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!

Selected from 157 submissions from 56 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 1 (2nd #1)
  • Colleen Tharme, Mount Clemens, MI -- 2, 8 (Rookie!)
  • Beth Black, Misawa City, Japan -- 3, 11 Email / Website
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 5 Email / Website
  • Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA -- 6 Email / Website
  • Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 7 Email
  • Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 9 Email
  • Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 10 Email / Website
  • Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 12, HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Kris Kettner, Fond du Lac, WI -- 13 Email / Website
  • Joshua Wachs, Cambridge, MA -- 13
  • Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 14 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
  • Neil Schwartzman, Montreal, Quebec -- 15 Email
  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Topic Email
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag Email
  • Steven Bevier, Grand Rapids, MI -- Runner Up list name
  • Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Queen, London, England -- Ambience   (explanation)

Top5 Bomb

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