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TopFive.com
May 9-10, 2000


~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~

This list was compiled from submissions
sent in by our ClubTop5 subscribers.


New State Mottos

  • Alabama:

    Like the third world, but closer.
    (Jim Villani, Stouffer, VA)

    Don't tell MS, but we're ALL sportin' boners right now!
    (Andy Pierson, Huntingtown, MD)

    Because SC is a Little Too Progressive for Some of Us
    (David Worenklein, White Plains, NY)

    Keeping it in the family since 1819.
    (Robert K. Pfaff, Madison, WI)


  • Alaska:

    Colder Than a Witch's Tit -- and Prettier, Too!
    (Stephen Smith, Lexington, KY)

    Yeah, but it's a dry cold.
    (Andy Hynds, Carbondale, IL)

    We Get to Kill Whales and You Don't!
    (Dawn Tammy Reeves, Douglasville, GA)

    We're cold and lonely: LET US HAVE OUR POT BACK!
    (Eric Akawie, Burke, VA)


  • Arizona:

    The Pacific Coast State!
    (Michelle Steiner, Sunnyvale, CA)

    Oh, crap. I guess now WE'RE gonna need a new motto, too.
    (Rob Miles, Salem, VA)


  • Arkansas:

    It's Trailer-rific!!!
    (Robin B. Shore, Everett, MA)

    Honest, we were just try'n to get that sheep back over the fence.
    (Kent Sievers, Papillion, NE)

    Attention, K-Mart Shoppers!
    (Mike Tamburri, Riverton, NJ)


  • California:

    Caution: Large Fake Breasts On Board!
    (Paul McGinness, New Rochelle, NY)

    With Satan, too, all things are possible -- and way more fun!
    (Lynda Burney, Costa Mesa, CA)

    What the hell's up with VT???
    (C. Koogler, Fountain Valley, CA)

    Silicon Valley in the North, Silicone Hills in the South!
    (Linh Pham, Beaverton, OR)
    (Claudia Sammons, Lafayette, LA)



  • Colorado:

    Now 100% John Denver free!
    (John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI)


  • Connecticut:

    The "C" is Silent, Casshole!
    (Mike Dougherty, Chicago, IL)


  • Florida:

    Half a Million Cubans Can't All Be Wrong
    (David D. Brand, Memphis, TN)

    Hey you kids, get off of my state!
    (Joe Lex, Philadelphia, PA)

    We make the US look like it's pissing on Cuba.
    (Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX)

    So close, you can smell Fidel.
    (Tom Sullivan, Mebane, NC)

    The Phallic Symbol State
    (Tom Wideman, Grapevine, TX)

    More than just a great place to die.
    (Jim Villani, Stouffer, VA)

    Now With 25% More Cubans!
    (Michael Leatherbury, Bristol PA)

    Where the 3 R's are for Rednecks, Retirees and Raft Arrivals
    (Brad Deen, Clayton, NC)

    With Elian gone and Spring Break over, we're once again safe for Grandma.
    (Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)

    Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... and we'll send 'em back to you free of charge!
    (BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI)

    Come See Your Grandparents Before They Die
    (Tod Davis, Atlanta, GA)


  • Hawaii:

    Why Does Everybody Think Putting Ham and Pineapple on Something Makes it "Hawaiian"?
    (Christopher Chen; Evanston, IL)


  • Idaho:

    You Can Be Da Ho Next!
    (Ken Hirlinger, Boonville, MO)
    (Jim Goldman, Warrington, PA)


    Get Your Whites Their Whitest!
    (Scott MacLeod, Livermore, CA)

    Cogito ergo spud: I think, therefore I yam.
    (S. Davidson, San Diego, CA)


  • Illinois:

    Stop pronouncing the "S", or we're gonna kick your ass!
    (Andy Pierson, Huntingtown, MD)

    The "I See Dead Voters" State
    (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)


  • Indiana:

    Dan Quayle's Favorite Country!
    (Nabeel Ibrahim, Sunnyvale, CA)

    Where EVERY year is 1957.
    (Mark Ueber, Fort Wayne, IN)


  • Iowa:

    Future Birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk
    (Scott Naness, Staten Island, NY)

    Our Trees Bend North Because Minnesota Sucks.
    (Eddie Hatfield, Des Moines, IA)


  • Kansas:

    We aren't all that crazy about Newton and his "gravity", either.
    (Matt Van Opens, Kenosha, WI)

    More hills than Nebraska!
    (Jeffrey K Eliasen, Los Lunas, NM)


  • Kentucky:

    Come for the Bluegrass -- Stay for the Incest!
    (Tom Wright, Memphis, TN)

    Shallowest gene pool in the Union
    (Brian Dozer, Studio City, CA)

    We've Heard ALL the Hillbilly Jokes, So Don't Even Bother.
    (Bill Hewins, Ft. Thomas, KY)


  • Massachusetts:

    Now with 30% fewer Kennedys!
    (Brian J. DiMattia, Boston, MA)


  • Michigan:

    It's not just cold. It's ass-biting cold.
    (Trevor Rootbier, Walnut Creek, CA)

    Auto strikes, disgruntled postal workers, and a surplus of Canadians, oh my!
    (Brian Smith, Odessa, FL)

    Forget Detroit, it's actually part of Canada.
    (Scott E. Frank, Tampa, FL)


  • Minnesota:

    First Line of Defense Against the Canadians
    (Chris Fromm, Granite Falls, MN)

    Those guys in Fargo lived in ND, okay?
    (Bob Garman, Merced, CA)


  • Mississippi:

    We're Hard-on Crime
    (Claudia Sammons, Lafayette, LA)

    Foiling Spelling Bees for over 150 years
    (Bryan Sparhawk, Port Angeles, WA)

    Keeping Louisiana from being last in *every* quality of life category.
    (Alan Gandolfi, Metairie, LA)

    Don't even *think* about it, Chester!
    (Andy Hynds, Carbondale, IL)


  • Missouri:

    Missouri Loves Company
    (Ilene Morgan, Rolla, MO)


  • Montana:

    One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all. Unless, of course, you don't believe in that sort of thing, in which case you can find a patch of land, build and arsenol, write a manefesto and start your own damned government.
    (Jason White, Hilliard, OH)

    Anti-Government-Isolationist-Compound Conventions Welcome!
    (Aaron Eberhard, Jersey Shore, PA)

    Now with 50% fewer radical dissidents.
    (Bob Garman, Merced, CA)


  • Nebraska:

    The "N" is for "Knowledge!"
    (Chris Pultz, Denver, CO)

    You're Not in Kansas Anymore!
    (Lonnie Falk, Prospect, KY)


  • New Jersey:

    Come for the beaches. Stay for the gambling, crack and hookers.
    (David Juurlink, Toronto, Canada)

    What smell?
    (James Rouse, Independence, MO)

    Home of Jimmy Hoffa's grave... somewhere.
    (Paul McGinness, New Rochelle, NY)

    Hey, Quit Laughing!!
    (Carl Pappert, Cheyenne WY)

    All those chemical waste sites and Trump's Taj Mahal, too!
    (Carl Pappert, Cheyenne WY)


  • New York:

    The Go F#@$% Yourself State
    (Rob Ahnemann, Nacogdoches, TX)

    New Safe Version -- Now With 30% Fewer Murders!
    (Scott Naness, Staten Island, NY)

    Just try to spend more for gas!
    (Scott Ventura, Rochester NY)

    Come for the skyline, stay because you were mugged and don't have money for a taxi to the airport.
    (Evan J. Simper, Orem, UT)


  • North Carolina:

    Sure, we've got weird, blue-skinned, inbred mountain dwellers, but at least we don't still fly the confederate flag!
    (Brandon Thornburg, Portland, OR)


  • North Dakota:

    Last one to leave, turn out the light.
    (Charles Gulledge, Richardson TX)

    You probably don't want to visit any more than we want to live here.
    (Dan Paff, Indianapolis, IN)


  • Ohio:

    We're Full of Inbreds, Too -- We Just Have a Better PR Firm.
    (Bill Hewins, Ft. Thomas, KY)

    It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
    (Lara Allan, Boston, MA)

    With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the Supreme Court doesn't hurt, either
    (Michal Bryc, Saint Louis, MO)

    In God We Trust (C'mon -- we dare you to strike *this* one down!)
    (Robert Philhower, Yorktown, NY)
    (Dennis, San Diego, CA)


    With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
    (Henry Marx, Laurel, MD)
    (John Hale, Lewisville, TX)
    (Andy Walker, Colorado Springs, CO)


    With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible.
    (Pamela Rice Hahn, Celina, OH)


  • Oklahoma:

    We're like the Canada of TX!
    (Joel Borden, Fremont, CA)

    Oklahoma: Named After an Indian Tribe We Slaughtered
    (Steven Mielnicki, Washington, DC)


  • Oregon:

    Home of quality babes like Tonya Harding and Monica Lewinski.
    (Audrey Bain, Beaverton, OR)


  • Pennsylvania:

    Under Construction
    (Stephen Mowdy, Doha, Qatar)

    With goats, all things are possible.
    (Kristy Baxter, Warren PA)
    (Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH)



  • Rhode Island:

    Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It
    (Wayne Jones, Somerville, MA)

    Yes, we know what a "peninsula" is.
    (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)


  • South Carolina:

    Oh, yeah -- like *we're* going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott.
    (John D. Hopkins, Atlanta, GA)

    Ya don't think removin' that flag changes nothin', do ya, boy?
    (Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)

    If at first you don't secede: try, try again.
    (Jim Bedsole, Greenville, SC)

    The OTHER white state.
    (Brett Baylor, Dayton, OH)
    (Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX)



  • South Dakota:

    Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!
    (Ben Ostrowsky, Tampa, FL)
    (Herman Suarez, Richland, WA)



  • Tennessee:

    The Darwin State
    (Devin Pike, Dallas, TX)

    Established in 1796 by Al Gore
    (David Hibbs, Houston, TX)


  • Texas:

    We Let America See Our Bush!
    (Shane J. Van Cott, Orem, UT)

    The Criminal's Lethal Injection Connection
    (Tom Poole, Austin, TX)

    We Kill 'em So YOU Don't Have To
    (Joshua Martinez, Round Rock, TX)

    We put the "Ex" in "execution"!
    (Michelle Mills, Seattle, WA)

    Better Behave, or We'll Fry Your Ass
    (Curt Tuck, Ras Tanura, Eastern Province, Saudi Arabia)

    With your father as ex-president, all things are possible.
    (Bill Burgess, Houston, TX)


  • West Virginia:

    Got Teeth?
    (Pam Pickard, North Canton, OH)

    Because somebody has to make Virginia look good.
    (Bill McNeil, Kensington, MD)

    It seemed like a good idea at the time.
    (Tom sullivan, Mebane, NC)

    The State of Brotherly and Sisterly Love
    (David D. Brand, Memphis, TN)

    Oh, honestly, people. We have a world-class orchestra. We have a university. We... hey, Joe-Bob, pass me the chewin' tobakky, willya?
    (Jenny Rowland, Brea, CA)


  • Utah:

    Now open 7 days a week.
    (Mark Jeffords, Ogden, UT)

    Michael Jackson is *almost* white enough to live here now.
    (Phil Traynor, St. Petersburg, FL)

    With OUR God, all things are possible.
    (Keith Alexander, Sandy Hook, CT)

    It really sucked giving up multiple wives.
    (Mark Frankis, Mountain View, CA)

    Putting the "white" in "red, white, and blue."
    (Joel Borden, Fremont, CA)


  • Vermont:

    We don't care who you marry, as long as we get the license fee.
    (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)


  • Virginia:

    Contrary to our name, our women are actually pretty slutty!
    (Michael Klayman, Long island, NY)


  • Washington:

    Come for the Protests -- Stay for the Coffee!
    (Geoff Thomas, Lynnwood, WA)

    Where even the Tear Gas is environmentally friendly.
    (John Losey, Auburn, WA)

    With Gates, all things are possible.
    (Eric Bell, Philadelphia, PA)
    (Keith Alexander, Sandy Hook, CT)



  • Wisconsin:

    Badgers?! We don't need no stinkin' badgers.
    (BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI)

    Cutting the Cheese Since 1848
    (Liz Scott, Madison, AL)

    You're Among Cows.
    (David Gunter, Forest Park, IL)


  • Puerto Rico:

    Ready to Screw Up 40 Years of Flag Symmetry
    (Kevin van Houten, The Colony, TX)

    Dumb Guys Think We're a State!
    (Matt Kall, Cleveland Heights, OH)

    We want statehood! No, we don't! Yes, we do!
    (Jay DeSimone, Wilmington, DE)


  • Victoria:

    Ever-tolerant of those xenophobic bastards in the Northern Hemisphere
    (Douglas Buckser, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)


  • Canada:

    It's only a matter of time.
    (Sandra Howe, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)




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