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November 23, 2005
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Here at TopFive, we're celebrating Thanksgiving
with that most traditional of American treats --
We've written 30 Thanksgiving haikus,
much like the haikus originally brought
over by the Pilgrims themselves.
The Top 30 Thanksgiving Haikus
- "You've never loved me!"
"Why the hell did I come home?"
"Please pass the gravy."
- See my family:
They're all such friggin' morons.
Turkey softens pain.
- Christmas music plays,
Yet I haven't finished my
- Of all the things I'm
thankful for, the least must be
- A strange hand enters
My tender lil' turkey ass.
Cut that out, pervert!
- White man invades us,
Steals our land and livelihood!
Enjoy pie, asswipes.
- The zen of Popeye
Echoes as I fill my plate:
I am what I yam.
- Cowboys score again!
I leap for joy, plate o'erthrown.
Fido feasts again.
- Let us give our thanks
To those who prepared this feast.
Bless you, KFC.
- Mom shopped way too late,
Shelves were picked clean of turkeys.
Enjoy your fried Spam.
- Stomach exploding,
I can't eat another bite.
What? Pie? Bring it on!
- This bird has five legs!
Thanks, genetic engineer.
Drumsticks all around!
- There's a duck inside
That chicken and that turkey?
You're such a pig, dude!
- Full, succulent breast.
Thighs so firm I salivate.
*That's* Cousin Sue? D'OH!
- That olive seems strange.
It looks like... AH! A glass eye!
Not funny, Grandma!
- Turkey! Stuffing! Pie!
Wolf down, then sprint to the john...
Feast with Mary-Kate.
- Pungent aromas
Wafting from Grandpa's buttocks.
May I be excused?
- Pie sirens singing,
Beckoning from the table,
Taunting me loudly.
- So full I could burst.
Keep that mint away, despite
Its wafer thinness.
- Pumpkin pies untopped,
Whipped cream dribbles from the can.
Who took nitrous hits?
- Finger lickin' good!
Junior says the stuffing feels
Like warm apple pie.
- Sometimes we're thankful
For the things we do *not* have.
Like, you know, Trump's hair.
- The Pilgrims landed
In Massachusetts. And froze.
Next time, try Key West.
- Carve the turkey... yum!
White meat, dark meat, red meat-- huh?
Crap, I've sliced my thumb.
- If you're just too full,
Go ahead, undo your belt --
BUT THE PANTS STAY ON.
- Most Americans --
Two thirds -- are obese. Stuffing:
Side dish *and* hobby.
- The carcass lies still,
Stuffed and silent. It is Dad
Watching football games.
- The diagnosis:
Gravy IV, stat!
- Forty-four years old,
Still at the kiddie table.
Pass the damn peas, punk.
and the Number 1 Thanksgiving Haiku...
- Butterball Hot Line?
This is an emergency!
My penis is stuck!
Our ClubTop5 members get to see the entire
30-item list, plus much MUCH more.
Selected from 131 submissions from 50 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Guy de Roue, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (5th #1)
- Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA -- 2 Website
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 3 Website / Hall of Famer
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 5
- Brad Hamer, Austin, TX -- 6
- Michael Sheinbaum, Exton, PA -- 7 Website
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 8 Hall of Famer
- Chuck Brown, St. Stephen, NB, Canada -- 9 (Rookie!)
- Elizabeth Black, Asotin, WA -- 10 Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Hall of Famer
- Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 12, Banner Tag Website / Hall of Famer
- Lisa Lavoie, Warwick, RI -- 13
- Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan -- 14
- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 14 Website
- Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX -- 15
- Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 16 Website
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 17, Topic Hall of Famer
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 19
- Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 20
- Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY -- 20
- Whit Watson, Winter Park, FL -- 21
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 23 Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 26
- Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA -- 27
- J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA -- 28
- Gideon Griebenow, Johannesburg, S. Africa -- 29 (Rookie!)
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 30
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Wishbone Ash, Devon, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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