Sabor? We got your sabor right here!
April 19, 2006
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
The Gospel of Judas was recently translated, and there
are 15 other gospels that have been documented in some way
that did *not* end up in the finished version of the Bible.
However, it's been a while since a *new* book of the Bible
has been written -- and who better to correct that oversight
than a pack of unpaid smartass Internet joke writers?
Thus, we present to you: The Gospel According to TopFive!
(As a bonus, we're giving you the whole 30-item list.
Our ClubTop5 members get to see the entire list
EVERY day, plus much MUCH more. Join now!)
The Top 30 Verses in the Gospel According to TopFive
- Peter, you shall be the rock upon which I shall build my church. Simon and Thaddeus, you shall be my paper and scissors.
- Covet not thy neighbor's wife, unless she doth possess enormous gourds.
- Jesus broke the bread, gave it to his disciples and said, "Take this bread and eat it, and be sure to try it with the Buffalo wing dipping sauce I made."
- And when Moe smote Curly, Curly smote Moe and his brother, Larry, upon the loins and brow, Moe spake thus: "Thou Onionhead! I shall rend thee limb from limb!"
- And Jesus and His disciples traveled to the heart of the Roman Empire, and as He gazed upon the hedonistic, heathenish behavior He sighed and said, "Don't worry, men, I'll take the fall with Dad. But as they say, 'When in Rome....'"
- Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might, but first make sure that thou hast locked the bathroom door.
- Yet in His Kingdom all faiths will be tolerated, even the silly made-up ones. For verily does He need the ad revenues from Tom Cruise movies.
- You have heard it said, "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy," but I tell you: Love your enemy, but feel free to delight in his misfortune.
- Blessed are the weak of appetite, for they shall inherit no girth.
- "Close not thy door to the stranger, and remember that I myself had no Green Card when I worked in the construction trade, gringo."
- The cup of blessing which we bless, is it not the communion of the blood of Christ? The succulent ribeye which we cut, is it not the communion of the body of Christ? The creamed spinach which we eat, is it not the gooey delight of the love of Christ?
- And Eve begat Cain, and Cain begat Hannah, and Hannah begat Ethan, and Ethan begat Delilah, and Delilah begat Bob, and Bob begat Rhonda, and Rhonda begat Brittany, and by "begat" I mean "humped." And thus did the orgy proceed.
- Psalm 1040EZ: "Be not lazy, for he who itemizeth not pays a huge price."
- And when Tristan did look upon the face of God, sayeth he, "Behold! Toketh ye all of the chronic within this bong, for verily it is the Shit!"
- Woe unto the enemies of humor on the day of His return. The Dull, the Uptight, the Literalists, like their infernal master PropComicus, shall with great force receive the steel toes of His Boots of Righteous Laughter in their most tender places.
- And behold! A voice issued forth from the midst of the burning bush, and spake thus: "Can you hear me *now*?"
- And Judas replied, "Lord, thou makest me sound like a villain! That's it! I'm going to write my *own* freakin' Gospel."
- And the plagues God visited upon his chosen flock were many, and they did cause great suffering and gnashing of teeth -- including the twin plagues of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
- Then God clapped twice, saying, "Let there be light!"
- Then Adam begat Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and then they all took a begetting break for a couple hundred million years while the whole dinosaur deal went down.
- Behold, an angel of Victoria's Secret came upon me and stiffened my groin.
- And Saree begat Enos, and Enos begat Abraham, and Brigham begat Chris, but Chris begat no one, choosing instead to repeatedly spill his seed into the gym sock.
- Through use of snakes, fire and Heavenly voices, the Lord then scared the Bejesus out of Moses, who said unto the Lord, "Thou hadst me at the burning bush."
- Video shall not harm the radio star.
- And Chris who was called Moses came down from the mountain, and lo, a miracle had occurred! The commandments on the tablet now numbered 17!
- And Yahweh proclaimed, "Behold the burning bush! I better invent penicillin!"
- And Sampson did on his knees continue to smite the enemies of Israel, until the Lord revealed to him the true meaning of "smite" and Sampson was then sorely vexed at the Philistines who had so cruelly tricked him and who had laughed at him for all those many days.
- As Jesus broke the bread and gave it to His disciples, a bell rang out, and Jesus said unto Simon, "Get the door. It's Domino's."
- And on the seventh day He rested, and did amuse Himself by fashioning crude likenesses of Mohammed.
and the Number 1 Verse in the Gospel According to TopFive...
- "And whosoever decides to partake for himself of the leftover Kung Pao chicken I brought from home for My lunch, the Heavenly Father shalt smite him. And it will be a hard and painful smiting, so smite-tacular he won't be able to sit for a week."
Selected from 112 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 1 (38th #1) Website / Hall of Famer
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 2, 11, 15 (Hat trick!) / Hall of Famer
- Elliott Schiff, Allentown, PA -- 3, 6
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 4
- Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 5, 9
- Steve Huntington, San Jose, CA -- 6, 14
- Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ -- 6, 29
- Mark Schmidt, Paris, France -- 7, 22 Hall of Famer
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 8 Hall of Famer
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 10 Hall of Famer
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 12
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 13
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 13
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 16, 17, 24, Topic (Hat Trick!) / Hall of Famer
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 18
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 19
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 20
- Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 21 Hall of Famer
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 23 Hall of Famer
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 25 Website / Hall of Famer
- Trish Jensen, Reedsville, PA -- 26
- Richard Skora, Columbus, OH -- 27
- Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX -- 28 Website
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 30 Website
- Mike Powers, Austin, TX -- Banner tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- REM, Athens, GA -- Ambience (explanation)
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